Working from the inside out.

To date I've moved 27 times in 48 years.  Now there's a ridiculous statistic.  In my defence 4 of the house moves were in childhood and out of my control, but that still leaves 23 down to me.
It was only recently that I realised that for years and years I've been missing the point.
Whenever a big life event happened it would feel unsafe for me to stay still, so I would sell up, or pack up when I rented...and then rather predictably to my friends and loved ones - I'd move.  I'd find the "perfect" place to unpack and I'd very quickly make that house a home.
The truth is that I never allowed myself the indulgence (as I saw it ) of feeling my sorrow and properly grieving.
Sorrow may seem a strong word - but I now realise that's what it was.
I could feel something; something indescribable and in response to the discomfort I'd start searching for somewhere new to run to.
If only I'd realised that running was not - and never was the answer.  The agitation and sadness kept following me - however fantastic the latest house was the ache in my heart was as intense as ever.
I have realised now (thank goodness) that I must be comfortable just sitting in this place right here.
How futile it is to change the lampshade when the bulb is blown.
No amount of elaborate, fancy, decorative lampshade will enable light to shine if the bulb is broken.
Recently "that" feeling started creeping back.
I had a knee jerk reaction, but I resisted!
I sat with the pain, and sat some more.
I meditated and I walked, and walked and walked some more.
And quietly I got it...my home here is perfect...I need to stay and fix the bulb.
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S Lewis

Facts + Action = Results

Knowledge is power!

Burying your head in the sand is never really going to help - though I do understand why certain life events seem too daunting to face, so I'd allow you a short stay; a day pass for the "head in the sand" section.

Once you've released your head back into the glaring light of day and shaken the sand from your eyes and ears it would then be time to get on with finding out what your options are, and whether or not you're up for those options.  One can never assume that just because knowledge is gained appropriate action will follow.

Fear steps in....

Fear of the unknown.
Fear of acceptance.
Fear of failure.

FEAR!

There can be a sense of safety while you remain stuck in the loop of denial.  Safety with regards to your headmind at least, but not the all knowing, all loving bodymind, it wants to be lovingly cared for.  It wants you to take positive steps in a direction that both acknowledges there's been a problem and pro-actively witnesses you taking educated, well informed steps to remedy the problem.

If I know I've overdrawn my bank account and carry on merrily spending when I literally have no money left, I'm not going to get away with that for too long.

I might receive a polite text from the bank asking me to put funds in today as I've overdrawn my account.
I can delete the text and pretend I never saw it.
I might start getting letters from the council as I've missed a council tax payment.
I can choose not to open the letter as I have a feeling I know what that's about.
The companies I have direct debits or standing orders with start calling.
I choose not to pick up.

When it comes to issues of your health.  You can choose to ignore the early warning signs, or you can look up, start investigating your options and be as pro-active as possible.  Looking after yourself is no more than you deserve - if you're finding it difficult to show yourself the same kindness you would show a loved one, or a dear friend, confide in them.  Tell them how you're feeling and ask them to help you take the first step towards helping yourself be well again.

"Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored." - Aldous Huxley.

The benefit of obstacles

Sometimes it can feel like an incredibly laborious process to get to where you want to be!

Sometimes it just feels like too much effort.

There can be hurdles in the way, long periods of feeling stuck with neither forward nor backward movement. Very, very frustrating....however....

Today, while out on a walk I just happened to look up as a pine cone was falling from a tall branch en route to the forest floor, but instead of reaching its planned destination it settled onto a wide feathery branch about 8 feet from the ground.

I smiled as the line from the poem, "To A Mouse" by Robert Burns, sprung into my head,

"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley." 

Roughly translated it means, that our plans don't always go the way we'd hoped.

But maybe the stalling, the delays, the apparent obstructions are all necessary on the journey to our destination.

Maybe the hurdles give us more time to plan more clearly what we need and question if we're heading the right way.

Maybe having more time helps us think more creatively and stretches us in ways we didn't think were possible.

If you feel stuck try to see that the slowing down of your progress is not necessarily negative - instead take the opportunity to review where you're at, and feel what you could do differently at this point to help your forward momentum.

Maybe there's a much better route for you to take.

Maybe the conditions on the ground weren't quite right for the pine cone.

Maybe when the next big wind blows and the cone falls unobstructed to the forest floor the conditions will be perfect for the seeds to sow.

"Obstacles don't have to stop you.  If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.  Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." - Michael Jordan

Our Addiction To Patterns

We think of addiction as being associated with drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling and the other usual culprits...however, there is something just as damaging; if not more so in some cases and that's an addiction to patterns.

Of course I don't mean that you can't get enough William Morris, or that your nights are spent trawling through the history of Mary White's designs.  The pattern addiction I'm referring to is circling relentlessly in your head and it can be just as tough to break as any other dependency.

Whenever I hear phrases like,

"But the last time I felt like this it went on and on and on...."
"If you knew what happened to me 35 years ago you'd know why I can't possibly be free from this depression..."
"Whenever the day starts like this, I know exactly how the rest of my day is going to be!"
"It's always the same..."
"I've never been any other way .."
"I'm clumsy/stupid/lack confidence/shy"  etc etc..delete or add appropriate word!

Any of those types of phrases when re-visited again and again can become quite appealing.  They appeal because they enable the person to give themselves a label, and hang on to that label (belief) forever. Doing this keeps them in the addictive loop of being a slave to their thoughts.

This enslavement means they have to live a restricted life - because, well, "It's always been this way!"

Providing there is a commitment and desire to change, there is always an alternative to being stuck in an addictive pattern.

Imagine a life free from the need to listen to, and live your life by your old beliefs!

Really, can you imagine that?

Well it is possible.

It starts (ironically), with STOP!

The moment you hear yourself saying something that is derogatory or that restricts your ability to live your life the way you want to, simply think the word STOP!

Engage all your senses in this moment right now and look around you.

This moment right now is the only thing that's real - don't trawl through the past - it's gone.  What could you do today that would help you feel re-connected to that you that's been waiting for your arrival?

Enjoy becoming your own wonderfully dynamic and unique self!

With love,
Kathleen x

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward." - Steve Maraboli