If you've ever been in a relationship where you had to get things right or you'd face dire consequences, even though the controlling relationship that started this belief may have ended long ago, you may still be suffering from a deep rooted belief that you must always make sure other people are okay before tending to your own needs.
The idea that you should do what you want to do can send those who've experienced that type of relationship into a head space that has them confused and reeling at the very thought.
While helping others is noble and good - making sure you're okay and that you're getting your needs met is equally, if not more important.
So where do you put yourself in the pecking order?
If you're not at or near the top, why not?
That voice in your head that stops you from moving in the direction that truly makes your heart sing does not belong to you. It was "gifted" to you long ago from someone who needed to keep you down, someone who needed to control you. The idea of you being an independent thinker was, for whatever reason, too difficult for them...but that voice has no power over you now.
No matter how small a change you make, start now. Start by taking a baby step in the direction of what you really want from this life - from your life today.
With love, Kathleen x
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone elses' life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs
Saturday, 17 February 2018
Tuesday, 9 January 2018
I'm determined to stay fixed in my position, eyes ahead, letting myself sink into contemplative mood refusing to be teased or distracted by the developing drama on either side.
That's always the plan.
Truth is I can't do it.
Maybe I can calm the waves, maybe I can get them to see that there's no need for them to vie for my attention?
But I need to see the whole vista.
I need to have an appreciation of everything; maybe then I can make some sort of sense of the view in front of me.
So I will keep turning my head and absorbing, observing, understanding all that I can see, only then can I give the best of myself.
"Seeing the bigger picture opens your eyes to what is the truth." - Wadada Leo Smith
Thursday, 14 December 2017
Unassuming and unaware of the effect each delicate beauty has as they land on the icy ground;
I could go out and start shoveling and gritting, but the forecast is for the temperature to rise a bit later today so I'm opting out and just letting it be without interfering.
Each delicate, unique flake is completely unaware of its individual and collective power.
In a blizzard we can feel lost and irrelevant, but as Voltaire wrote,
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
If you disagree with those in power you must stand up, stand apart and speak your truth. You are not governed by the weather, you are not a snowflake, you can decide to stand aside and not be pushed or bullied into following the crowd.
Like millions of others I was left aghast, saddened and bemused when Trump was elected. I was delighted to read that this week Doug Jones, a Democrat won against the Republican Roy Moore in Alabama.. the first time in two decades a Democrat has won there!
Bit by bit the quiet few found their lost voices and remembered their power. One by one they went out to vote and were heard. Never underestimate your individual and collective strength.
Your feelings are here for you to notice. This is your time, what do you love? What is important to you? Are you able to share that? Why keep quiet when you have a voice? Be your wonderful self in glorious technicolour and notice how it feels to share your passion by lifting a lid on your silence.
Sunday, 3 December 2017
Sometimes I sit and listen to the tune indulging myself in the sadness or joy it conjures up.
Other times I find myself sprinting for the off switch so I don't have to re-live those memories.
Yesterday, on BBC Radio 2, Paul Gambaccini was doing his show, "Tracks of my years" with 1992 being one of the years on his play list.
What a mixture of mercies that brought up!
My girls and me living in a little farm cottage in Moray, alone but together, freezing but cosy, happy but sad, putting a brave face on it while playing a game I called, "Let's be like the Victorians!"
We'd play this game whenever I ran out of credit for the electricity meter and I'd stick on the coal fire, light the candles and play board games or make jigsaws in candle light.
Not so long ago my eldest daughter (she's 29 years old now) told me she had no idea, she really thought it was us having fun...that's a relief to know! She was only 4 years old and all sleeping in one bed, "like the Victorians" made sense to her.
I had no idea how my life would pan out, or what twists and turns it would take...none of us do.
Despite what an onlooker may have seen at that time, I knew life would get better and all would (eventually) be well. I believe that all three of my kids have inherited the attitude of, "I might be down on my luck, but I'm not out yet" as they have all shown incredibly resilience and resourcefulness when the chips are down; I really admire that in them.
Sharing this is not meant to provoke a pity party - quite the opposite in fact.
I want to encourage you to realise the power of music, and use it for your benefit. It can uplift you if you're in a chapter of your life that is challenging, and it can hold you down in the doldrums.
So choose your music carefully. Move and dance to the tunes you love, and avoid the music that leaves you feeling heavy and stuck. The energy we feel when the music moves us can aid our recovery or our hold us in the belief that this is as good as it gets!
Now where's that track," Courage (For Hugh Maclennan)" by The Tragically Hip? I love that one!
"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything." - Plato
Sunday, 19 November 2017
The recent #MeToo has brought up a whole load of feelings and memories which have been churning inside me for years. For those who may not know about it, the hashtag followed by MeToo was being used all over social media to mean that person had been harrassed or sexually abused. The idea was to show the magnitude of the problem across the world.
I feel sadness, a real deep sadness for those millions of men who are respectful, warm, caring and loving - I can't imagine how horrible they must feel at the unraveling and exposure of men who have behaved abominably and in a way that leaves those decent men baffled, uncomfortable and angry. I am lucky enough to be married to one of those good men today, and I never take my meeting him nearly 12 years ago for granted.
I haven't used #MeToo on any of my social media platforms... this is not because I've not been harassed or indeed sexually assaulted - sadly the latter on more than one occasion.
For me the first half of the 1980's was turbulent, confusing, sad and filled with excruciating inexplicable emotional and physical pain.
Some, though not all of this was as a result of a few opportunistic predatory men who made me feel worthless at a time when I was incredibly vulnerable, fragile and an emotional mess. The sudden accidental death of my big brother had catapulted me into a life where my decisions were based around my thoughts which were, "What's the point?" "I'll be dead soon!" "Who cares? I don't!"
Despite those thoughts the desire to survive and my ability to see there was the potential for a happier life beyond abuse became bigger than all the awfulness. By 1984 I was on a mission to stop allowing conscious-less men to stop assisting me on my path of self destruction and I applied to Nursing Colleges all over Scotland and chose to go to Foresterhill College (West).
My interview happened, I was offered a place and as soon as I was old enough I left my home town and moved 103 miles north to Moray.
Sometimes I still feel like I was part of the problem. Then I remind myself that they were adults. I was a young teenager. They know who they are. I know who they are. I am back living in my home town. That's not always easy as I see the faces of those same men, older, fatter, uglier. Have they managed to re-frame their memories of those events so well that they think saying "Hello!" to me in the street is okay?!
If you see me.
Look to the ground and walk on by.
Posting this blog is not going to be easy for me, as there will be people who wish I hadn't.
Sometimes silence is too dark and hides more darkness. I hope that by sharing this it creates at least a crack wide enough to let in the smallest shaft of light to brighten those corners so abuse starts to be seen wherever it is and has literally nowhere to hide.
To end on a more positive note..
After 10 years of nursing I re-trained at Regent's College, London in Solution Focused Psychotherapy and Reverse Therapy. Over 14 years on I remain as passionate as ever about helping people live their best possible life free from pain. Today I understand clearer than ever that some of that passion is driven by my own experiences in early life. I can't say I'm grateful for that, of course I'd rather none of that happened - but it showed me the strength of my resolve and for that I am glad.
I have a loving husband, 3 grown up kids, two daughters and a son. They are truly inspirational.
Love yourself, love your family and friends, and keep speaking and sharing your stories.
"Don't judge yourself by what others did to you" - C. Kennedy
Thursday, 24 August 2017
My style and preferred way of gardening is to let the wild, roaming plants do their thing.
Leaving them alone I watch them flourish and it feels as if they appreciate the freedom. I'm sure I see their "nod" of approval as they grow! Too much pruning, staking and attempts to control them and they soon let me know how unhappy they are. Unable to travel so far the blooming flower heads seem weaker, less vibrant. In order to flourish some plants do require guidance and support and with the extra attention from the human hands that guide and love them they show their appreciation by their vibrancy and health. However with too much clipping and restraining plants can lose their zest for life, wither and die.
It's all about balance.
Don't do anything forcefully.
Work with reason and be considerate to all the factors that affect the plant, and with that attitude your plants will thrive.
My husband Andrew has said to me more than once that he thinks I have, "green fingers."
I'm not so sure about that, but I do appreciate plants; their uniqueness and beauty and I do my best to nurture and care for them as unintrusively as possible.
We all have different ways of gardening and being in this world, be passionate and honest and your life and garden will be a reflection of your love, focus and dedication.
Friday, 23 June 2017
Then, as the darkness continues to swallow up every last shard and pinhole of light, a sense of the inevitable settles on the observer and suddenly the realisation dawns: there is no escape from this.
I am powerless.
The body sends subtle messages that all is not well. We ignore them at our peril. We busy ourselves pretending this storm will pass us by, and the body screams louder, and louder still.
We can survive the gravest of storms, but only if we face up to the fact that the storm is happening and we take the steps required to get us safely to the other side where peace and calm await.
We are powerful. Take action and be the person your body knows you can be.
"If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather then storm." - Frank Lane
Thursday, 25 May 2017
To the onlooker the changes are minute, unnoticeable even; but inside my body (and mind) forces of an epic nature are at work.
Chemical and muscular changes are taking place - and I feel alive!
It feels like my muscles have re-joined the workforce after several unhappy years of forced redundancy - and as a result my body is now finally rejoicing!
Not fulfilling my body's potential has been like continuing to watch a blurry television, tolerating poor quality reception knowing that all I had to do was stand up, walk to the TV, lean over and plug in the aerial.
I'm only doing what my body was built to do.
I've plugged in my aerial!
I know there will be days when I feel less motivated and reluctant to get out there and get on with it, but I hope by writing this I can remind myself, (and maybe even motivate you) that the feeling I have now, the energy and focus and sense of life is in fact attainable.
"Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity." - John F. Kennedy
Sunday, 9 April 2017
It's so beautiful there, much busier than I'm used to, yet despite the masses of visitors they've done a great job of preserving and protecting the areas of outstanding beauty by creating The Lakes National Park.
Made me think though (walking does that to me)!
We crave to save, to protect, to heal the damage done by the weather or willfully destructive humans, to instruct the visitors on the do's and don'ts of the countryside code all to ensure we take great care of the landscape we've been gifted and treat our natural environment with respect and love.
Now turn these instructions towards yourself.
How good are you at protecting yourself?
Do you recognise yourself as a gift to be handled with love and respect?
If you've been hurt do you, or have you sought out a way to help heal the damage done?
It's not okay to turn a blind eye to your own needs. Pretending to be okay when you're not would be like ignoring the broken timbers on the foot bridge; ignore it for too long and it will be damaged beyond repair.
"Go back and take care of yourself. Your body needs you. Your feelings need you. Your perceptions need you. Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it. Go home and be there with all these things." - Thich Nhat Hanh
Thursday, 9 March 2017
The strongest relationships are with the people who are really able to listen and observe beyond the smile and words.
It matters not why we are not very good at being emotionally honest, the fact is, for most people it's painful and difficult to be really honest about what they're going through. The irony is of course that no-one is immune to suffering and yet we all pretend to be fine!
The Belgian singer Jacques Brel is in my opinion one of the best. His song, "Ni me quitte pas" is so beautiful I can often be found with tears rolling down my face as I feel the emotion in his delivery of the song.
Until I started writing this blog post I had no idea what it was about, I just knew it was sad. Unfortunately I don't understand French...but I do understand feelings!
I've just Googled the translation to "Ni me quitte pas" and it goes like this,
"Don't leave me
You have to forget
Everything can be forgotten
That is flying away already
Forget the time
And the time that was lost
Trying to understand how
Those hours can be forgotten
Those that are killing sometimes
With whys that hurt like punches
The heart of happiness
Don't leave me.."
There's more, but you get the gist.
If you'd like to get better at noticing the truth behind words, why not listen to a song in a foreign language and notice what you feel? Of course the beauty of songs are that the key and style the song is sung in can help deliver the "story" - but nevertheless it's a good way to improve your ability at reading what those you care about are really feeling.
"A person who truly loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes in the smile on your face." - Author Unknown