Monday, 26 September 2016
It was only recently that I realised that for years and years I've been missing the point.
Whenever a big life event happened it would feel unsafe for me to stay still, so I would sell up, or pack up when I rented...and then rather predictably to my friends and loved ones - I'd move. I'd find the "perfect" place to unpack and I'd very quickly make that house a home.
The truth is that I never allowed myself the indulgence (as I saw it ) of feeling my sorrow and properly grieving.
Sorrow may seem a strong word - but I now realise that's what it was.
I could feel something; something indescribable and in response to the discomfort I'd start searching for somewhere new to run to.
If only I'd realised that running was not - and never was the answer. The agitation and sadness kept following me - however fantastic the latest house was the ache in my heart was as intense as ever.
I have realised now (thank goodness) that I must be comfortable just sitting in this place right here.
How futile it is to change the lampshade when the bulb is blown.
No amount of elaborate, fancy, decorative lampshade will enable light to shine if the bulb is broken.
Recently "that" feeling started creeping back.
I had a knee jerk reaction, but I resisted!
I sat with the pain, and sat some more.
I meditated and I walked, and walked and walked some more.
And quietly I got it...my home here is perfect...I need to stay and fix the bulb.
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S Lewis
Friday, 27 May 2016
Burying your head in the sand is never really going to help - though I do understand why certain life events seem too daunting to face, so I'd allow you a short stay; a day pass for the "head in the sand" section.
Once you've released your head back into the glaring light of day and shaken the sand from your eyes and ears it would then be time to get on with finding out what your options are, and whether or not you're up for those options. One can never assume that just because knowledge is gained appropriate action will follow.
Fear steps in....
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of acceptance.
Fear of failure.
There can be a sense of safety while you remain stuck in the loop of denial. Safety with regards to your headmind at least, but not the all knowing, all loving bodymind, it wants to be lovingly cared for. It wants you to take positive steps in a direction that both acknowledges there's been a problem and pro-actively witnesses you taking educated, well informed steps to remedy the problem.
If I know I've overdrawn my bank account and carry on merrily spending when I literally have no money left, I'm not going to get away with that for too long.
I might receive a polite text from the bank asking me to put funds in today as I've overdrawn my account.
I can delete the text and pretend I never saw it.
I might start getting letters from the council as I've missed a council tax payment.
I can choose not to open the letter as I have a feeling I know what that's about.
The companies I have direct debits or standing orders with start calling.
I choose not to pick up.
When it comes to issues of your health. You can choose to ignore the early warning signs, or you can look up, start investigating your options and be as pro-active as possible. Looking after yourself is no more than you deserve - if you're finding it difficult to show yourself the same kindness you would show a loved one, or a dear friend, confide in them. Tell them how you're feeling and ask them to help you take the first step towards helping yourself be well again.
"Facts do not cease to exist just because they are ignored." - Aldous Huxley.
Monday, 14 March 2016
Sometimes it just feels like too much effort.
There can be hurdles in the way, long periods of feeling stuck with neither forward nor backward movement. Very, very frustrating....however....
Today, while out on a walk I just happened to look up as a pine cone was falling from a tall branch en route to the forest floor, but instead of reaching its planned destination it settled onto a wide feathery branch about 8 feet from the ground.
I smiled as the line from the poem, "To A Mouse" by Robert Burns, sprung into my head,
"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley."
Roughly translated it means, that our plans don't always go the way we'd hoped.
But maybe the stalling, the delays, the apparent obstructions are all necessary on the journey to our destination.
Maybe the hurdles give us more time to plan more clearly what we need and question if we're heading the right way.
Maybe having more time helps us think more creatively and stretches us in ways we didn't think were possible.
If you feel stuck try to see that the slowing down of your progress is not necessarily negative - instead take the opportunity to review where you're at, and feel what you could do differently at this point to help your forward momentum.
Maybe there's a much better route for you to take.
Maybe the conditions on the ground weren't quite right for the pine cone.
Maybe when the next big wind blows and the cone falls unobstructed to the forest floor the conditions will be perfect for the seeds to sow.
"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." - Michael Jordan
Monday, 25 January 2016
Of course I don't mean that you can't get enough William Morris, or that your nights are spent trawling through the history of Mary White's designs. The pattern addiction I'm referring to is circling relentlessly in your head and it can be just as tough to break as any other dependency.
Whenever I hear phrases like,
"But the last time I felt like this it went on and on and on...."
"If you knew what happened to me 35 years ago you'd know why I can't possibly be free from this depression..."
"Whenever the day starts like this, I know exactly how the rest of my day is going to be!"
"It's always the same..."
"I've never been any other way .."
"I'm clumsy/stupid/lack confidence/shy" etc etc..delete or add appropriate word!
Any of those types of phrases when re-visited again and again can become quite appealing. They appeal because they enable the person to give themselves a label, and hang on to that label (belief) forever. Doing this keeps them in the addictive loop of being a slave to their thoughts.
This enslavement means they have to live a restricted life - because, well, "It's always been this way!"
Providing there is a commitment and desire to change, there is always an alternative to being stuck in an addictive pattern.
Imagine a life free from the need to listen to, and live your life by your old beliefs!
Really, can you imagine that?
Well it is possible.
It starts (ironically), with STOP!
The moment you hear yourself saying something that is derogatory or that restricts your ability to live your life the way you want to, simply think the word STOP!
Engage all your senses in this moment right now and look around you.
This moment right now is the only thing that's real - don't trawl through the past - it's gone. What could you do today that would help you feel re-connected to that you that's been waiting for your arrival?
Enjoy becoming your own wonderfully dynamic and unique self!
"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward." - Steve Maraboli
Sunday, 15 November 2015
Not literally, but it seemed that way.
Forty years later and his words still leap into my head when jogging along the pavement I unwittingly stand on a dog poo cunningly disguising itself as an autumn leaf.
I'm not going to stop going out for a jog just because I might stand on dog poo! I have a route planned before I leave and I will stick to that no matter what.
If you have an idea about where you want to go but find yourself watching your every step - just stop for a moment.
Remember that you may well go through messy areas en route to your destination, in fact to be more blunt about it you may have some shit to contend with. However, if you know - even roughly - what you want to achieve and you have an idea of how to get yourself there then do not delay! Please just get on with taking the necessary steps towards your goals because none of us knows how long we have left to put on our running shoes and get out there!
"Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find the right road." - Dag Hammarskjold
Sunday, 1 November 2015
A life pebble dashed with sores so deep and yet invisible to the untrained, uneducated eye. No-one's fault of course as back then I was an expert at hiding and camouflaging the roughness cutting into some edges of my life.
Today I have a contentment about who I am as a mother, a wife, a friend, and of course as the person I am to the hundreds of clients I have been privileged enough to teach and encourage back to health.
And yet, as time does the inevitable and change happens to those I love I can feel that panicky feeling rising. Like a stubborn toddler demanding not to be taken from the party, I'm digging my heels in and refusing to accept that change is inevitable...I want things to stay as they are, and I'm not budging from that stand point!
However, there is a reluctant acceptance washing over me, gently reminding me that I'm not in control.
A tough call.
As I take stock of where I am right now I can see quite clearly that my life is overwhelmingly good, and unrecognisable to how I felt thirty plus years ago; so I must learn to lovingly let go of the fight to maintain the status quo.
Neither you nor I have that power.
What we do have is the ability to appreciate the good, cry at the bad, love those we love and literally embrace each day as it comes and deal with whatever comes our way with our feet on the ground and our hearts wide open.
Written with love and appreciation for a life filled with amazing people! Kathleen x
"We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it." - Author unknown
Thursday, 22 October 2015
There's a moment when the sunflower is in full bloom when I just want to hold it perfectly still and cradle it from the ravages of time, protecting it so carefully before the first autumn frost and battering winds nip and slash the perfect stem and magnificent flower.I can't protect it of course, so instead I cringe a little as I watch it writhe and quietly wither away.
I hold the thought in my mind that soon, once the fallen leaves from the deciduous forest giants have long since lost their crunch and are well trodden and crumbled into the soil, spring will come again and I can replant a sunflower seed and watch with wonder as nature does its thing.One can only provide the cane to support the sapling as it grows wide and strong.
One can only provide nutritious fertilized soil to ensure it has the best possible start.
One can only position it in a place where the sun beats down on it, and it's sheltered from the prevailing winds.
We do what we can, but we can't save the flower from every possible threat to it's survival.
Trust that there is a strength throughout the natural world. A hidden, deep, inexplicable strength which we need to trust runs through the sunflower and each and every one of us."People protect what they love." - Jacques Yves Cousteau
Monday, 14 September 2015
"To restrain or reduce someone's freedom."
We can all search for the reason's why we haven't achieved all we set out to. We can scan the horizon of our lives, stare at the silhouettes of all our relationships and feel justified as we point the finger of blame at that friend, or that relative who wouldn't have coped if we'd chosen that path.
"To restrain or reduce someone's freedom."
Bird's can't nor do they clip their own wings.
Human's do it to them.
A bird wouldn't choose to change their natural ability to fly, nor would they choose to stop living their lives as flying beings.
Human's on the other hand....
We ruin our own lives and sabotage our own chances to fly and live fully and we do it time and time again disguised under a thin vale of being the, "right thing to do."
If you are making choices based on what you think is best for another person please STOP!
Look closely at the decisions and choices you're making. Really look....
Are you clipping your own wings?
Are you "restraining and reducing your own freedom?"
What do you really want to do? Why aren't you?
Chances are that some (if not all) of your decisions and reasons for stalling are based on you thinking of the needs/attitudes or opinions of others.
This is YOUR life!
Please start by being kind to yourself, make choices based on what you really want and who you really want to be.
Too many illnesses creep into our body casting shadows on our vitality because we're not living our lives honestly.
When we're well we're being authentic and our body-mind loves us for it.
When we're exhausted accommodating everybody else's needs we become suffocated by a sense of duty to others and our own shining light is snubbed out.
Please make a point of reminding yourself that if you truly follow your path the world will not stop spinning, those who love you will still love you - and you will have more energy and time to achieve all you want to be.
"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly, and if left unresolved you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." - Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
Sunday, 9 August 2015
In more recent years I've started taking photographs of them.
There's something that draws me to them; a strength and solidity that stands boldly against many a dramatic back drop and I love that.
Against the odds there it stands, on open moorland, on top of a hill, roots dug in to a cliff top or in the middle of a field where only the buzzards appreciate it's presence as an excellent viewing point for them to spot their next scurrying prey.
Each tree is so different, yet there's a familiar thread that binds them together in isolated unity.
A defiant: "I'm here. I'm alone. I'm strong!"
And yet whenever I stumble across a tree on it's own I think of this famous quote by Canadian artist and writer Emily Carr,
"You come into the world alone and you go out of the world alone yet it seems to me you are more alone while living than even going and coming."
This is particularly poignant when I re-visit a tree I've long before photographed and discover it's been snapped in half or uprooted completely and lies dying alone and forgotten. I can't tell when or why it's happened, was it diseased and I didn't realise? Perhaps that last stormy night took it down - and yet it had survived maybe a 100 or more bad winters and spring gales...why now?
Off in the distance the forest stands unperturbed by the loss of it's comrade. They stand together arrogantly looking on as I wonder how long my old friend's been lying there.
An unanswerable question of course.
Every now and then, when the storm becomes unbearable even the most independent and stoic need the shelter that friends and family can provide.
It's true that we will go out of the world alone - but we can allow those who care for us to be our companions and lovingly hold our hand for at least part of the journey.
"When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives." - George R.R Martin, A Game of Thrones.
Friday, 17 July 2015
In my dream she was lying in bed talking to me, she said her arms were aching. I asked her why? She said, "I have no one to hold. Arms were meant to wrap around those you love."
I woke up and though I was glad to have "seen" her I was sad that her arms ached.
Yesterday I spoke to Andrew about wanting to walk long distances, using my legs to walk miles and miles to experience the landscape and natural world on foot as that is what legs are for!
And then there's my hands...
I love to feel the texture of bark on trees, I love to feel the cool earth on my hands as I pull the weeds from my veggie patch and I love the feeling of wool running through my fingers against the cool, metal seriousness of my crochet hook.
Our limbs, our eyes, our sense of smell, taste and touch, paying attention to their experiences is crucial to our well-being. The more technological and "advanced" we become the further away we get from being human in the most fundamental and in my mind crucial of ways.
I'm not anti-advancements in science and technology, but we should make time for the basics, and actually what I feel is the most important aspects of being human.
To feel and be present in the world, to just walk in nature without multi-tasking. Taking in all that surrounds you and reminding yourself that this is it so make the most of appreciating and being part of the natural world surrounding you. Have a wonderful Friday everyone! Love, Kathleen x
"To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour." - From Auguries of Innocence by William Blake