When silence is bad for your health

This blog is dedicated to both men and women who find themselves wondering what it is they have to do to enable them to be heard and understood by their loved one.
Being with someone who is emotionally damaged or disconnected can feel like death by a thousand cuts.
Slowly but surely the sense of being precariously balanced between the happy, contented times and the devastation of being emotionally bled dry by the hatred spewing forth quietly kills off the desire to be there.
Exhausted, confused, melancholy and bemused one has a hundred questions to ask but cannot risk letting the words form and leave the safety of one's head.  To risk speaking means the all too familiar outcome of being verbally and emotionally slapped down.  But to remain silent has it's own devastating effect.
Doubting one's own sanity, questions build up.
"Did I overact?"
"Did he really say what I think he said?"
"Was he always like this?"
"Is it me that makes him this way?"
"What did I say to provoke this response? What am I doing wrong?"
Believing you have to bottle up, or hide your feelings will only ever end badly.  Depression and anxiety, possibly with a panic attack or two thrown in for good measure, the body will scream out by engaging it's only tool of communication - symptoms.  It has no choice as it simply hates being witness to this situation!  
There's not much the victim of emotional abuse wouldn't give to replace that aspect of their loved ones personality. To be able to gift  their partner the ability to empathise and have a healthy connection to their emotions would be a relationship changing miracle!
It's not impossible to teach someone to connect to their feelings but they have to (a) recognise and believe that feelings exist, and (b) be willing to learn.  Sadly for the emotionally disconnected (a) + (b) = extreme discomfort.
So, if you're in a relationship with an emotionally disconnected person, there's one piece of advice I'd give to you.
Do not deny your own right to be emotionally honest with yourself and them.  If it hurts being put down, tell them.  If it falls on deaf ears, constructively express it again.  Don't leave it, or put it off so long that your body starts using physical symptoms to get your attention. If speaking up puts your safety in jeopardy then it's time to leave. You are here now, and you are entitled to be appreciated, loved, held and heard.
"This is slavery, not to speak one's thought." - Euripides
"I have learned now that while those who speak about ones miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more." - C.S Lewis

Finding calm in the chaos

I visited my daughter and son-in-law in Brighton last week. I had a lovely time.
Brighton is a vibrant, busy place full of arty shops and arty people. The noise, the colours, the smells, so much busyness can exhaust me in a very short period of time.  I'm like a child on their first trip to the fair ground. Over excited, over stimulated -  I soak it all up but can quickly become saturated. So, by paying close attention to what my body is telling me, I slow down, narrow my vision and stop my mind racing in circles as it tries to understand all that's going on around me.
The photo on this blog is one I took in a vintage shop during my visit to Brighton last week - you can see why the products for sale on this shelf sent my mind in a spin!
When you step into an unfamiliar setting pay attention to what your head is doing and what you're feeling as you observe all the newness around you. Enjoy the experience while also being careful not to allow it to consume you.
"Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Author unknown

All that you see is you, and all that I see is me.

This morning when I woke up, the bright sunshine was beaming in through the gap in my curtains, my head lay peacefully on my familiar pillow, but my arm was completely numb.  I pushed myself up with the other arm and looked at my feeling-less arm. The lack of feeling in that one limb had an affect on my ability to recognise it - it could have belonged to anyone. I had the thought that after 45 years it should be more than a bit familiar to me. 

I lay back down with my numb arm lying flat on top of the duvet waiting for the positional change to aid the feeling to come back - which it did.

Once, several years ago, I had a big, flat section of tree trunk positioned for me in my garden to use as a chopping block to enable me to split my own logs. 

It had been too heavy for me to move on my own.  One day, I took a phone call and was given some devastating news.  Crying, I walked outside and, without effort picked up that chopping block and threw it over the fence into the recently harrowed field that formed a boundary around my cottage. Later when I thought about what I'd done, I didn't recognise the person who had suddenly displayed immense physical strength.

Sometimes, you may catch yourself trundling through life, no fuss, no upset, no bother, no drama. You might surprise yourself when you respond (or react) to a life event in a way that leaves you reflecting and asking, "Was that me?!"  

Don't underestimate, and certainly don't block, your body's ability to express itself!  

If we practise speaking up and saying what we really feel on a daily basis, then it'll be less liable that we are ever faced with a stranger in our body venting, shouting, screaming out in a way that feels completely alien to us. Constructively expressing what you're feeling now promotes physical and mental health and helps you get your needs met.  All aspects of who are you should never come as surprise - you should be able to recognise yourself from the inside out, in the calm and in the turbulent times.

"Have the confidence to step into yourself and step out as the one and only you." - Hussein Nishah

Handle with care.

A trauma can feel like a paper thin, fragile, egg being carried in our hands.  Cupping it gently, believing that we owe it to ourselves to protect the memory of the trauma, burdened with the responsibility of remembering every detail of the event or events, the strain starts to tell, the trauma tightens its grip in our head, and we tighten and clench our grip around the memories.

Another crack appears on the egg.

Panic sets in. 

What if the egg shatters?  What if all that happened during that time is forgotten?  

The traumatic event may feel as if it forms your identity and the idea of living without it can cause anxiety to rise.

Look inside a box of eggs and you will see some are speckled, some are paler than others, there may be some dirt on the shell of one, a slightly strange shape or mark on another.  The details, or distinguishing marks on the exterior of the shells makes no difference to the contents contained within the egg.

Stop staring at the external events that have marked you, and start focusing on yourself from the inside. 

Be still.  

Meditate. 

Pray.

Ask for help and seek support if you need to - changing your focus can start right now!

"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that." - Eckhart Tolle

"The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday." - Steve Maraboli 

 

Keep growing!

Last week I planted out my sweet peas.  There were several seedlings crammed into one small pot and as I gently upturned the container,  I tapped the bottom of the pot and the seedlings, with their roots crammed and twisted in and around the compost, almost sighed with relief at being released from the restrictive holder.
During the early stages of the sweet peas life the pot and nutrient rich compost was essential for the vulnerable little seeds.  Now however, the rapidly growing seedlings need space to stretch and grow,  as they crave new nutrients to nourish and support them in order that they can flourish and reach their full potential.
We were, and still are seedlings.  Most of us have, at some point in our lives, recognised when it was time to leave the familiar surroundings where we received the support and nourishment we needed in our early years.  Our need for a change of "compost" doesn't stop for us when we leave home and start our independent adult life, we need to pay attention to any signs that the nutrients that once fed us need replaced or replenished.
Don't allow your roots to become stunted through an apathy for change. What could you do now that would enable you to feel replenished and ready to grow again?  You owe it to yourself to become all that you can be.  Small steps make a big difference.
I could add a fertiliser to the pot of sweet peas, but keeping them in the same tiny container would still restrict their growth - so in order to support them fully they need room to grow and the nutrients to sustain them.  Be as kind to yourself as I am to my sweet peas and watch what happens!

"I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy." - Og Mandino

"Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new." - Brian Tracy

"People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die." - Plato

Your true nature is perfect!

Have you ever been walking down the street with a young child and you've caught them staring wide mouthed at someone who was dressed or looked differently to those people they were used to seeing in their lives?  There's a moment when the other person notices you noticing them as you've both noticed the child's reaction - and in that impasse an awkward pacifying smile creeps from your mouth.

I liken this situation to the gentle, tolerant way the body tries to calm the over keen, excitable childlike headmind.....let me explain.
The core essence (bodymind) knows EXACTLY what makes your heart sing, what keeps you well, what you should avoid at all costs and what you need to be doing in order to maintain a healthy life.  Every so often though, our headmind (and ego) observes other peoples lives and decides it wants some of that!

So, the body has to go along with the heads forceful, determined plan of action..BUT the body will only tolerate this for a short time, and then it will do whatever it has to in order to get you back into that healthy aligned place, where there is harmonious communication from the body (telling you what feels right) and the head (putting those feelings into action).  Annoyingly for us though the only communication tool the body has is symptoms...so....if you are feeling symptomatic sit quietly and allow the truth to surface.

What are you not saying or not doing NOW that needs to be addressed?  AND remember, don't let the head say, "Well I would do all those things if I felt better.."  because, there's a high chance you have symptoms because you're NOT doing those things!

“Just keep being true to yourself, if you're passionate about something go for it. Don't sacrifice anything, just have fun.” ― Blake Lewis

 "The moon is faithful to its nature and its power is never diminished.” ― Deng Ming-Dao

Kindness

One of the uglier sides of human nature is selfishness.
A regular response to my questions about selfishness towards others is, "Well why should I?  What have they ever done for me?!"  I might point out something they've told me their loved one did for them, but that's often met with a shrug and dismissed.
That type of answer makes me sigh.....heavily.
It saddens me to witness someone taking pleasure as their partner or loved one does more and more things to please or satisfy their needs, knowing full well that they won't be reciprocating their partners selfless act.  I gently, but directly encourage them to do just one kind thing, without expectation or an agenda attached, just one, selfless act of kindness.
Resistance is normal at this stage - but I persevere!
When we are in a relationship - any relationship- be it with our children, significant other, friends or in a work setting with colleagues, giving and receiving is the only way to maintain a healthy bond with our fellow man.
See the unity within all of us.
We all appreciate kindness, thoughtfulness and selfless acts - your partner is no different.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by hanging up your selfish hat and trying something new.
"Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible." - Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

Select all, copy, paste

We live in a copy and paste society.
People use the same phrases over and over again.
One size fitting all - only it doesn't.
Cliches, metaphors and analogies trip off tongues without thought into whether or not they are in context.
This habit scourging our society appears to me at least, to be transferring to our behaviour.
Don't spend tomorrow copying and pasting the mask you wore yesterday - today is a new and unique day with experiences that will feel differently, IF you allow yourself to pay attention to your feelings!
Duplicating your response to a situation on the basis that that's how you've always responded, does not make it right.
Celebrate not being a robot carrying out it's function.
You're a one-off!
Be you, feel your emotions and express yourself!
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde
"I pay no attention whatever to anybody's praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings." - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Quietening the night time demons

Demons creep into our sleeping state.  They've spent the daytime lurking in the shadows, sometimes catching our eye, but we're too busy to give them the attention they need so they just patiently wait.
They know that in just a few short hours they will be given all the attention they need.  The demons will hold centre stage, occupying every moment of the night hours as we toss and turn in the place that was supposed to be our safe haven.
They seem to smirk at how alert we are as they perform around and around in our minds. Every scenario is covered, no theatrical cast could ever put on such a brilliant show.  As the adrenalin pumps round our body any chance of sleep fades into the distance. The sun comes up, the alarm goes off and the demons, for now, sneak into the shadows as we busy ourselves in the daylight hours.
To be free from the night time demons we must rid ourselves from our daytime fears.
What's really bugging you?
What are you not saying or not doing because you think you might be condemned by others if you are seen to step outside the boundaries they have set for you?
Are you unhappy at work?  Is there someone you can speak to about that?
Have you been keeping a lid on what you're really feeling?
Now is the only time you have to reverse this downward spiral.  Being sleep deprived by the night time demons can lead to anxiety and a horrible sense of being overwhelmed by the most simple of tasks.
Check the shadows today.  Are there demons waiting to occupy your mind tonight?  Give them the attention they need now, and look forward to a peaceful, restorative sleep tonight.
"True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment." - William Penn

Removing the rod from my back.

I think I've made a rod for my back.  This rod, stiff, inflexible and difficult for me to reach has shaped me in the eyes of others.
An independent, strong, capable woman - all very flattering and not aspects of my character I'd easily or happily give up.
But that's not all that's going on.
I can be vulnerable, overly-sensitive, confused and melancholy. I feel relieved when I know someone has caught a glimpse of that side of me.  I believe those who don't do so through their own choice, preferring only to see my strengths.
We are all multi-faceted - all capable of feeling and displaying passion -  all capable of falling into a deeply sad and isolated place.  Each of us, no exceptions - humans with emotions and the ability to experience all of them at some point.
You may be someone who likes to see what satisfies your perception of another - or you may be someone who has an awareness that what others see in you is not the whole story.  Whatever side of the fence you're on the most important thing is to be honest with yourself about all that you feel.
Feel it, express it, speak it, dance it, sing it, write it, draw it -  it matters not what your preferred genre is, the important thing is to move your feelings outwards and avoid burying them deeply and silently inside.
"Be true to yourself and to your feelings.  Those are the only things in your life that will never lie to you." - Author unknown
"The greatest happiness is to transform one's feelings into action." - Madame de Stael