Being nice v Being safe

When I first started travelling down to London I was more than a bit overwhelmed by the volume of people...everywhere! My rural ways had me waiting at the opening tube doors politely letting everyone else on before me, then when the doors shut and I was left standing on the platform I quickly realised I had to get a grip and be less hesitant.

Once on the tube I would observe (trying not to stare!) all the different people, busying themselves in case they had to look at another bored traveller on their journey. In the early years of my London trips I would sit quietly on the tube and no matter who sat next to me, and no matter what they did I would stay glued to my seat. My head would tell me it would be impolite to move...sometimes the anti-social behaviour would be completely unbelievable yet still I would sit there..good old headmind training telling me not to draw attention to myself, not to cause a scene, "He doesn't mean it! Try to ignore him!"

It was only when a man standing next to me nipped my bum that I realised it was time to stop thinking I had to be nice and instead take charge and look after myself! He claimed he, "Couldn't help it!" It was only afterwards I wondered what he would've done if I'd matched his involuntary hand movements with an involuntary lifting of my knee...swiftly....to his groin.

Seven years on from my first trip to work in London whenever I'm travelling on a train (anywhere) I will pay attention to how I feel. If I feel at risk, or intimidated by a fellow passenger I get up and walk away to another carriage, or move to another seat. By quietly paying attention I stop being nice in favour of being safe.

"The greater the fear the nearer the danger." - Danish proverb

Time & Progress

Locally there is a hill with a tower on top of it, called Kinpurnie Tower, it can be seen for miles and is a very distinctive landmark.

Recently I was cycling about 4 miles inland from the bottom of the hill, and about 6 miles east of it. When I set off I could see the tower way off to my left and it stayed within my sight for the majority of the cycle.

At one point I looked up and noticed I was nearly level with the tower which was built on the centre of the hill top, cycling into the wind I kept my head tucked down and felt happy that I'd made some noticeable progress.

20minutes later I looked up and it seemed that I was in exactly the same position..the tower seemed to be in the same spot ... oh my...how deflated I felt as I knew I still had about 9 miles to go.

On I went talking to myself a bit, a few encouraging words, some grumpy words too! Then faced with the combination of a single track road, a steep hill and a man driving a van who had obviously just heard his house was on fire, I felt defeated.

I looked up at the tormenting tower on the hill and to my surprise it was slightly behind me!

Even when we don't think we're making progress we are. Bit by bit if we take steps in the right direction, despite the obstacles that are thrown our way, focus on what you want now keep going and you will get there.

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." - Walter Elliott

" If we are facing the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." - Buddhist saying

Gales

It was another windy day recently and as I stood outside being buffeted around I wondered what it was that made all the noise.

I'm not a scientist ( pretty sure that statement won't leave you feeling faint with shock! ) but as the branches on the fir tree bent and flapped around and the bushes in the garden swayed frantically, I listened carefully to the sound of the wind rushing by.

Similarly when I'm cycling there is resistance as my body hits a head wind and makes me work much harder to go a distance that would be effortless if I put myself in a more aerodynamic position.

Often the "noise" (hassle) in life doesn't come from the object (person) we are faced with, but by the change in conditions around them......so just as the wind rushing over a smooth, flat piece of land wouldn't create much sound the same is true of someone who can become more "aerodynamic" or flexible to the ever changing dynamics of life.

We never really know what is happening in other peoples life, and the noise they make may just be as transient as a passing gale, so by staying flexible and grounded you need only baton down your hatches until the storm passes and you can appreciate the calm beauty that arrives soon after.

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." - Jimmy Dean.

From grumpy victim to graceful victor

We've all done it... heard ourselves bemoaning the fact that someone has done something to us, or taken us for granted. We feel hard done by, and are somehow catapulted back to a time when we were much younger and someone in school stole our favourite pencil! "It's not fair! It's not fair!"

I recently found myself feeling this way. I stomped around, wrote emails, made calls, rallied support from several friends, then thought, "STOP!"

I was using so much energy on finding a way to undo my sense of being wronged that in that chaotic state I'd slightly lost the plot!

When I went from racing around to being still - and I mean still - a lovely thing happened. I came home to find a large package from Amazon. I couldn't think what on earth I'd ordered, and when I opened it up I discovered that a friend had sent me 3 books by Robin Sharma (the guy who wrote "The monk who sold his Ferrari") WOW! Talk about perfect timing! What a great reminder of the lovely people in my life.

Those of you who know about the work I do know how passionate I am about it. I'm 3/4 of the way through the first of the three books and it has reminded me how lucky I am to have found what truly makes my heart sing!

I have been re-inspired! Thank you Karen!

Yesterday I spent a bit of time creating a new website which should go live next week, this will enable me to continue supporting my Reverse Therapy clients, while also reaching out to a whole new range of people, and that makes me so, so happy and grateful to be in this position.

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." - Harvey S. Firestone

Impermanence

Accepting the impermanence of our existence is surely one of our biggest challenges.

I have sat with people who are very close to the end of their lives. I have almost been able to see their skull, the detailed shapes that remind me of the anatomy and physiology classes I attended years ago. A paper thin layer of skin over their protruding frontal bone, that defined zygomatic bone - the cheek bone - the same bone that made it easy for her to mark out where to apply her rouge, attracting attention to her beautifully shaped face, a fading memory as life fades from her.

It would be too difficult, for me at least, to imagine throwing away all attachment or concern for the day to day turbulence's of life, but to recognise the transience of those events would only be beneficial to me.

The worry and angst of going over and over something in my head removes me from the reality and truth behind the situation. The truth being that life IS a mixture of pain and joy, frustration and contentment, and ultimately we are all here very briefly - so why give so much attention (and energy) to the areas that leave us feeling drained, stressed and exhausted?

Take time every day to give yourself even a minutes break from thinking or mulling over something that is annoying you. Just sit and stare at the flickering light from a candle wick, focus on the colours and the way the flame moves and dances. When a thought leaps into your head, just bring your attention back to the flickering flame. That minute of peace can be enough to remind you that your head (and body) appreciates a break from the relentless mind chatter.

"A lifetime is like a flash of lightening in the sky.

Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain." - Buddha (563 - 483BC)

Sharing our memories.

In December it was 30 years since my brother David was killed in an explosion in his farm cottage. I can hardly believe that so many years have passed, and we have all grown thirty years older, with each passing year, life has simply carried on. Marriage (s!), having children, health issues, house moves, jobs, more losses in the family, it's the same for every one...and yet the memory of the one we've lost stays fixed in time. In David's case his youthful face is embedded in my memory, his funny cracked front tooth, his curly hair, the laughs we had when we played tricks on Dad and set traps for him! Nettles and thistle spikes hidden in pot plants ready to jab Dad when he did his weekly watering and weeding of the geraniums and spider plants in the out sized green glass bottle (it was the late 70's after-all!)

My memory of him can stay unaffected by the passage of time - but I have no "new" memories of him, and that makes me sad. I was only 13 years old when he was killed, and I still remember a poem I found which resonated with me by, "Anon" (at the time I wondered who that was!) It was found after the second world war, I don't recall now where I found it, but I remember writing it on my bedroom wall, in tiny writing next to my pillow where I'd read it every night. It read:

"It seems so long ago,

He fought, he fell, he died,

and still it grieves me so,

and oh, how I have cried.

I think of him so much,

and yet,

I never wish I could forget."

Anon.

In December Dad received a call from one of David's friends saying that 6 of his old friends were going out for a meal and a drink to remember David on the 30th anniversary of his death. Understandably Dad was both moved and delighted by their invitation for him to join them. I rang Dad the next day to hear how it had been. One girl there said she still missed him and thought of him every day. Others reminisced about him and spoke of what had been going on in their own lives in recent times, 2 of his male friends are about to become grand-parents!

So, David lives on in the heart of many - not just his family but friends too remember him with love in their heart.

If you've lost someone dear to you share your memories with others who knew them, it's lovely to know that in his 18 short years on this earth David left his kind, funny mark on all of us who knew him.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo proverb

Stillness

The recent gales had me transfixed staring at the trees in my garden bending and waving, twisting and straining.

Bundled up in my warmest clothes I sat outside gazing at the 40ft fir tree. The branches were frantic. Lashing around in every direction my first impression was that the tree trunk was solid and motionless. The longer I sat observing the more detail I noticed, and my first impression was not right. As gust upon gust battered the tree the branches reacted dramatically, while the trunk moved gently and gracefully. No drama, no sudden reaction just a smooth, benign response, to a potentially dangerous gale.

Our core (bodymind) would like us to remember that we too can have that still, but not unmoving capacity of the tree trunk. We don't have to get involved in the reactionary dance of those around us who may care more about how impressively they can "flap" and less about how still they can be when all around is in apparent chaos.

"Within you there is stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself." - Hermann Hesse

"It is the stillness that will save and transform the world." - Eckhart Tolle

I'll have peace please, with a side dish of contentment!

I still consider being able to travel overseas as a privilege, everytime I travel though I seem to leave a little piece of myself there. I both yearn and dread leaving home as I know the effect it has on me....simultaneously exciting and unsettling. I can imagine myself in that "new" location, making friends, creating a life for myself and my family. Leaving some family behind as they grow more independent making their own way in life, saying farewell to friends with a sadness in my heart as I leave all that is familiar, juxtaposed with the joy of a new chapter in my life - what turmoil - and all created in my own busy headmind!

Ironically, yearning for peace and contentment leaves me in a constant state of flux, unsettled and wondering what's next? Striving to find something that I know can only be found within oneself. I have a framed embroidery hanging on my kitchen wall, done in 1993 by my friend Linda, she stitched one of my favourite quotes by German philosopher, Schopenheur who wrote,

"True peace of mind and complete tranquility are only to be found in solitude."

I'm sure we've all experienced times when we have been walking somewhere beautiful, and as our awareness falls on the beautiful surroundings we momentarily experience inner peace. This happens when we escape the busy headmind chatter, which can at times feel relentless.

When I experience inner peace for only one minute, then I know I have the capacity to extend that to two minutes, then five, then ten and with practise an hour may have passed.

Peace and contentment are within the reach of every single one of us. Perhaps travelling can unsettle us, highlighting areas we wish were different at home. However within our daily lives, from washing the dishes mindfully, to spending time outside with nature, we can tap into that essential peaceful core that exists within each and every one of us, wherever you happen to be!

"The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart." - Julien Green

Turning the other cheek

My work and personal life have enabled me to both hear and witness life in full glorious (and sometimes not so glorious) technicolour. The hurt and pain experienced by those I work with often comes from their feeling let down, shocked, or shattered by the actions of someone close to them. Perhaps an accumulation of them turning the other cheek finally takes it's toll - their bodymind no longer allowing them to ignore outrageous, or just plain unacceptable behaviour towards them, and this "pile up" of held emotions results in de-pression, anxiety, IBS or non-specific pain.

Our expectations from those people closest to us are often created in our own heads, often as a result of what society dictates is the "norm" to be expected from a family member, colleague or boss. So when that publicly acceptable "norm" doesn't match what is being displayed in front of us we often come up with headmind justifications why this is happening. "Oh never mind....he was just having a bad day, it'll have blown over tomorrow!" or, "Yes but she's just venting at me because she knows I won't react, we all need to vent!"

It's very noble to turn the other cheek and to quickly be able to forgive someone for being hurtful, rude or just plain unkind, however there also comes a time when you should (and need to in fact) draw a line under a relationship where the person has become habitual in putting you down, criticising or disrespecting you.

Honour yourself, notice how you feel - of course there may be a sense of sadness when you end a relationship, but if the dynamics of your relationship are bully and victim, or demoralizer and enabler be your own friend and lovingly move away from that relationship.

"To love someone is to love their spirit - their essence. To seek to know them at their deepest level. To love what they love and to accept them fully for who they are." - Lowell Greenberg

Seeing what you want to.

On Thursday evening I left Shetland on the last flight, as usual feeling a bit heavy hearted I plonked myself down on my seat and waited for the propellers to start turning, and the stewardess to start her spiel. It was a beautiful sunny evening, only 12 of us were on board, and I felt myself starting to unwind as the engines started to whirr. Taking off, looking down at the turquoise sea and rugged edges of Sumburgh head I turned my head and noticed that as the sun glinted off the propeller it made the exact shape of Alfred Hitchcock's trademark silhouette! The more I stared the more detail I could spot. The wisps of his hair, the distinctive chubby cheeks. It kept me transfixed for most of the journey to Aberdeen. Only when we travelled through some clouds on our descent did Alfred disappear and I was left staring glumly at the propeller simply doing its job.
Not for the first time in my life I was reminded that I can see whatever I want to see. This is not always the best trait! Trusting easily the person who appears kindly. Their smiling - therefore they must be good! Out walking on the hills desperate to spot a deer, I can see hundreds before I realise they're tree stumps. Often the ability to see what we want is harmless enough, funny in fact, but there will be times when, before we fall idly into believing what we see, we should practise noticing what that sight feels like. Engaging our heads and our body's can ensure we keep safe, without losing our creativity and sense of humour.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau
" Don't be afraid to see what you see." - Ronald Reagan