Great expectations

When faced with a painful predicament it's very easy to feel pulled down by the apparent lack of any understanding of our plight. We can feel torn apart, devastated, beaten and yet the very person, or people we think will understand can appear to observe us from behind sound proofed triple glazing. Apparently unaware, unable, or unwilling to stretch out a hand to comfort or support us. How quickly we can become self-absorbed by our own pain, becoming a helpless victim of circumstances thrown our way.

Before despondently sinking into depression - STOP! Often the reason we feel so shattered by our isolation at our time of need is because we are such emotional individuals! Those we love, our friends, our families may not be as in touch with their emotions as we are. They may simply not know how to handle our emotional state and feel ill equipped to give us the support we would like them to offer. Also, because some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves, this can be at worst intimidating for others, and at least awkward for them to handle.

It's our own great expectations that others will be able to step up to the mark when we crumble that can set us up for a fall. Speak up! More often than not simply expressing how you're feeling to others is enough of an opening to begin to get the help and support you need.

"It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it." - Lena Horne

"Asking for help does not mean we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence." - Anne Wilson Schaef

Getting yourself back!

Sometimes, and for a variety of reasons, we get stuck in a belief system that the limitations we are living with right now is just the way it is for us these days. I have heard from clients literally hundreds of times phrases like,

"I used to be able to travel on my own."

"I used to have more self-confidence."

"I used to enjoy having time on my own."

"I used to love socialising."

When you hear yourself reminiscing about a positive attribute you seem to have lost somewhere along the road, remind yourself that it's the same you right now that had those abilities as is thinking they are outwith your reach now. Sheesh! That was a long and grammatically challenging sentence!

Seriously, if you HAD the capacity to display and enjoy these qualities, you HAVE the capacity to re-claim them now. Don't let your head convince you those days are past...liberate yourself from those headmind chains by stepping back into your confident, able self and enjoy coming back to the real you!

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Maslow's balloon of needs!

In order to reach self-actualization Abraham Maslow said, "What a man can be, he must be." Self-actualization is at the top of the pyramid of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, with more fundamental human requirements forming the base layers. Maslow himself didn't use the pyramid shape, although it's predominantly how his hierarchy of needs is portrayed.

My feelings about this is that we can quickly become disheartened and de-motivated when we look at the pyramid and interpret it as meaning, "If I don't have all the base categories fulfilled I will never achieve self-actualization." I don't believe that. If we become fixated on that belief we might find ourselves throwing in the towel and "making-do" with an unsatisfactory, unfulfilled existence. Of course we need our physiological needs met, and without a roof over our heads it can be difficult to have time to do much more than survive on a daily basis. However, if you have some of Maslow's basic needs fulfilled there really is no place for the belief that self-actualization is an unattainable dream, something others achieve, not you! You don't have to look far to discover "against the odds" stories of great feats and personal achievements, by people who were thought to be destined for an un-extraordinary life.

My sketch below re-vamps the usual pyramid of Maslow's hierarchy of needs....one thing I do know, I'll never be an artist, and that's okay!

"Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." - George Sheehan 1918-1993

Quietly grateful

To say I'm a happy Mummy would be the understatement of the century. My two eldest children are happy, healthy and living the life they want, doing what makes their hearts sing. My son is happy and healthy and is still at school, so I'm not sure he'd say he's quite fulfilling the "living the life he wants" criteria just yet!

Perhaps my level of happiness for them is directly proportionate to my memories of the harder, more challenging times they've been through? None of us are immune to the ups and downs of life, but when we get through the periods in our life that are sad, hard and challenging, it's only then we can REALLY appreciate and celebrate the good times!

Emily & Tina, this is especially for you xxx

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

Being nice v Being safe

When I first started travelling down to London I was more than a bit overwhelmed by the volume of people...everywhere! My rural ways had me waiting at the opening tube doors politely letting everyone else on before me, then when the doors shut and I was left standing on the platform I quickly realised I had to get a grip and be less hesitant.

Once on the tube I would observe (trying not to stare!) all the different people, busying themselves in case they had to look at another bored traveller on their journey. In the early years of my London trips I would sit quietly on the tube and no matter who sat next to me, and no matter what they did I would stay glued to my seat. My head would tell me it would be impolite to move...sometimes the anti-social behaviour would be completely unbelievable yet still I would sit there..good old headmind training telling me not to draw attention to myself, not to cause a scene, "He doesn't mean it! Try to ignore him!"

It was only when a man standing next to me nipped my bum that I realised it was time to stop thinking I had to be nice and instead take charge and look after myself! He claimed he, "Couldn't help it!" It was only afterwards I wondered what he would've done if I'd matched his involuntary hand movements with an involuntary lifting of my knee...swiftly....to his groin.

Seven years on from my first trip to work in London whenever I'm travelling on a train (anywhere) I will pay attention to how I feel. If I feel at risk, or intimidated by a fellow passenger I get up and walk away to another carriage, or move to another seat. By quietly paying attention I stop being nice in favour of being safe.

"The greater the fear the nearer the danger." - Danish proverb

Time & Progress

Locally there is a hill with a tower on top of it, called Kinpurnie Tower, it can be seen for miles and is a very distinctive landmark.

Recently I was cycling about 4 miles inland from the bottom of the hill, and about 6 miles east of it. When I set off I could see the tower way off to my left and it stayed within my sight for the majority of the cycle.

At one point I looked up and noticed I was nearly level with the tower which was built on the centre of the hill top, cycling into the wind I kept my head tucked down and felt happy that I'd made some noticeable progress.

20minutes later I looked up and it seemed that I was in exactly the same position..the tower seemed to be in the same spot ... oh my...how deflated I felt as I knew I still had about 9 miles to go.

On I went talking to myself a bit, a few encouraging words, some grumpy words too! Then faced with the combination of a single track road, a steep hill and a man driving a van who had obviously just heard his house was on fire, I felt defeated.

I looked up at the tormenting tower on the hill and to my surprise it was slightly behind me!

Even when we don't think we're making progress we are. Bit by bit if we take steps in the right direction, despite the obstacles that are thrown our way, focus on what you want now keep going and you will get there.

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." - Walter Elliott

" If we are facing the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." - Buddhist saying

Gales

It was another windy day recently and as I stood outside being buffeted around I wondered what it was that made all the noise.

I'm not a scientist ( pretty sure that statement won't leave you feeling faint with shock! ) but as the branches on the fir tree bent and flapped around and the bushes in the garden swayed frantically, I listened carefully to the sound of the wind rushing by.

Similarly when I'm cycling there is resistance as my body hits a head wind and makes me work much harder to go a distance that would be effortless if I put myself in a more aerodynamic position.

Often the "noise" (hassle) in life doesn't come from the object (person) we are faced with, but by the change in conditions around them......so just as the wind rushing over a smooth, flat piece of land wouldn't create much sound the same is true of someone who can become more "aerodynamic" or flexible to the ever changing dynamics of life.

We never really know what is happening in other peoples life, and the noise they make may just be as transient as a passing gale, so by staying flexible and grounded you need only baton down your hatches until the storm passes and you can appreciate the calm beauty that arrives soon after.

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." - Jimmy Dean.

From grumpy victim to graceful victor

We've all done it... heard ourselves bemoaning the fact that someone has done something to us, or taken us for granted. We feel hard done by, and are somehow catapulted back to a time when we were much younger and someone in school stole our favourite pencil! "It's not fair! It's not fair!"

I recently found myself feeling this way. I stomped around, wrote emails, made calls, rallied support from several friends, then thought, "STOP!"

I was using so much energy on finding a way to undo my sense of being wronged that in that chaotic state I'd slightly lost the plot!

When I went from racing around to being still - and I mean still - a lovely thing happened. I came home to find a large package from Amazon. I couldn't think what on earth I'd ordered, and when I opened it up I discovered that a friend had sent me 3 books by Robin Sharma (the guy who wrote "The monk who sold his Ferrari") WOW! Talk about perfect timing! What a great reminder of the lovely people in my life.

Those of you who know about the work I do know how passionate I am about it. I'm 3/4 of the way through the first of the three books and it has reminded me how lucky I am to have found what truly makes my heart sing!

I have been re-inspired! Thank you Karen!

Yesterday I spent a bit of time creating a new website which should go live next week, this will enable me to continue supporting my Reverse Therapy clients, while also reaching out to a whole new range of people, and that makes me so, so happy and grateful to be in this position.

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." - Harvey S. Firestone

Impermanence

Accepting the impermanence of our existence is surely one of our biggest challenges.

I have sat with people who are very close to the end of their lives. I have almost been able to see their skull, the detailed shapes that remind me of the anatomy and physiology classes I attended years ago. A paper thin layer of skin over their protruding frontal bone, that defined zygomatic bone - the cheek bone - the same bone that made it easy for her to mark out where to apply her rouge, attracting attention to her beautifully shaped face, a fading memory as life fades from her.

It would be too difficult, for me at least, to imagine throwing away all attachment or concern for the day to day turbulence's of life, but to recognise the transience of those events would only be beneficial to me.

The worry and angst of going over and over something in my head removes me from the reality and truth behind the situation. The truth being that life IS a mixture of pain and joy, frustration and contentment, and ultimately we are all here very briefly - so why give so much attention (and energy) to the areas that leave us feeling drained, stressed and exhausted?

Take time every day to give yourself even a minutes break from thinking or mulling over something that is annoying you. Just sit and stare at the flickering light from a candle wick, focus on the colours and the way the flame moves and dances. When a thought leaps into your head, just bring your attention back to the flickering flame. That minute of peace can be enough to remind you that your head (and body) appreciates a break from the relentless mind chatter.

"A lifetime is like a flash of lightening in the sky.

Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain." - Buddha (563 - 483BC)

Sharing our memories.

In December it was 30 years since my brother David was killed in an explosion in his farm cottage. I can hardly believe that so many years have passed, and we have all grown thirty years older, with each passing year, life has simply carried on. Marriage (s!), having children, health issues, house moves, jobs, more losses in the family, it's the same for every one...and yet the memory of the one we've lost stays fixed in time. In David's case his youthful face is embedded in my memory, his funny cracked front tooth, his curly hair, the laughs we had when we played tricks on Dad and set traps for him! Nettles and thistle spikes hidden in pot plants ready to jab Dad when he did his weekly watering and weeding of the geraniums and spider plants in the out sized green glass bottle (it was the late 70's after-all!)

My memory of him can stay unaffected by the passage of time - but I have no "new" memories of him, and that makes me sad. I was only 13 years old when he was killed, and I still remember a poem I found which resonated with me by, "Anon" (at the time I wondered who that was!) It was found after the second world war, I don't recall now where I found it, but I remember writing it on my bedroom wall, in tiny writing next to my pillow where I'd read it every night. It read:

"It seems so long ago,

He fought, he fell, he died,

and still it grieves me so,

and oh, how I have cried.

I think of him so much,

and yet,

I never wish I could forget."

Anon.

In December Dad received a call from one of David's friends saying that 6 of his old friends were going out for a meal and a drink to remember David on the 30th anniversary of his death. Understandably Dad was both moved and delighted by their invitation for him to join them. I rang Dad the next day to hear how it had been. One girl there said she still missed him and thought of him every day. Others reminisced about him and spoke of what had been going on in their own lives in recent times, 2 of his male friends are about to become grand-parents!

So, David lives on in the heart of many - not just his family but friends too remember him with love in their heart.

If you've lost someone dear to you share your memories with others who knew them, it's lovely to know that in his 18 short years on this earth David left his kind, funny mark on all of us who knew him.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo proverb