Your life, your reality, your world.

                                                                                                                                                                   

We start off in this world with such an enthusiastic, optimistic view of all that surrounds us.  Sadly it seems, bit by bit, slowly but surely it can become more and more polluted.

Just like the moment when we notice our cherished medal from that 100metre race at school has somehow, without apparent warning become tarnished.  Suddenly it seems to have become so dull that no amount of rubbing, scrubbing or cleaning can get it back to its former glory.  That beautiful thing you were once so proud of,  that object that made you smile when you remembered that sunny day at the races now               permanently marked and irreversibly stained.

Do try not to let mind pollutants (or mind pollluters!) break you down and tarnish your view of your world.  Maintain your own sanctuary.  Put off the news if it affects you badly. Don't read the newspaper.  Walk away from those you don't trust.  You owe it to yourself.

"Don't compromise yourself.  You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin

These days, I know my body is my temple.

I've not always thought of my body as being something precious that I should look after - seems obvious now of course - but when I was much younger and totally absorbed in having fun, I didn't spend too much time thinking of the effect my hedonistic life might take on me. I guess that rings true for most who are 40 years old and beyond!
Every generation can remember a time when their actions (and sometimes lack of knowledge about the consequences of their choices) had a knock on effect, and left them looking back and questioning their decision making at the time.  Hollywood in the 1930's made smoking glamorous, but we know now how detrimental it is on our health.  Promiscuity in the 60's, 70's & 80's became a death defying game of Russian roulette according to the statistics and scaremongering TV campaign of 1988 aiming to raise awareness of HIV/AID's with tomb stones falling over and the voice over man saying, "Don't die of ignorance!" I speak with people all the time who have beaten themselves up over life choices they made at a time when they were young, naively getting on with making choices based on, what was often, a very limited knowledge. If you're living differently now, you've learnt and evolved, you've made mistakes and you're now making better choices.  Give yourself a break, don't keep letting your thoughts about the past put you down, celebrate that you're looking after yourself now!  
"Take care of your body it's the only place you have to live." - John Rohn

Time to bloom.

I was talking to Andrew the other day about his magnolia tree being much further on than mine, his is about to burst into bloom while the buds on my magnolia tree (20miles east) are quite small and still tightly shut.

Then last night my son started talking about his belief that he's not very "clever" and I reassured him that though learning at school is quite important, we don't all learn at the same rate and we do a lot more learning after school. What a shame we live in a society where so much emphasis is put on school tests and academia. When we discover what we love, following whatever makes our heart sing, we can become an expert in that field and achieve a great deal by simply doing what we feel passionately about.

We all bloom at different rates. If you know a young person who has lost belief in themselves as a result of not achieving what's expected of them by their schools system of scoring according to their age and stage, remind them of these great achievers as written about in, "The Denenberg Report," “Thomas Edison, thought by many to have the highest IQ in the last millennium, was dismissed from school because his teacher thought he did not have the intelligence to succeed academically. Albert Einstein could not read until he was seven and still was considered a slow learner in high school. Winston Churchill was last in his class in school but developed a remarkable vocabulary that led him to become one of the greatest orators of all time."

Wanderlust

Those of you who know me well will know I've had many house moves in my 44 years. In fact the standing count is 27 houses in 44 years. Where I live now, in a lovely renovated cottage in a small village in Angus is where (in my adult life) I've stayed the longest. 4 years... 4 YEARS..WOW! A friend called me yesterday when I was driving north having visited friends in Wiltshire. She said, "You've got friends everywhere!" and though on one hand this is a lovely truth it also makes for a bit of heartache at times. I'm not alone of course, in this time of near effortless travel to anywhere available to us, combined with folk looking further afield for work and choosing to re-settle in every corner of the world, our ability to maintain close contact with people who matter can be tricky - though not impossible! Andrew (boyfriend) has lived in his house for 24 years, we don't live together but I do go and stay at his for a few days here and there. So the 6 years of knowing Andrew (and being with him in his home) combined with the 4 years in my own place is helping the simmering, smouldering flame of wanderlust settle down to a more serene glow. Could it be that friends might be able to start writing my address in pen instead of pencil? Now that would be good! So to all my dear friends in Shetland, Moray, Argyll, London, Cornwall, Berkshire, Wiltshire, Somerset, Sussex, Ireland, Australia, Canada, France & USA...I might not end up settling on your doorstep, but knowing I can speak with you on the phone, visit you (and vice versa) perhaps means I can stop tearing round wondering where I should settle content in the knowledge that though we're not in the same location we're always together in friendship.

"Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them but you know they're always there." - Author unknown.

Do you see shadows or the sunshine?

I met a woman yesterday, and ex-nursing colleague who I haven't seen since 1993. I was genuinely pleased to see her, she's aged amazingly well - in her 60's when I worked with her back then and still as sprightly and bright as I remember her.

1993 was as the Queen would say, my "annus horribilis" the sequence of events went from being assaulted in the street,to moving myself and my two children out of the matrimonial home and away from their father, to losing my mother to cancer, to being abandoned by many & held by a few.

At times I really wasn't sure I'd survive, as the turmoil and depth of sadness I felt at that time was all consuming. My 2 daughters, 5 years old and 3 1/2 years old were my focus, they held my heart and stopped me from running, and running, and running, and running.

Yesterdays meeting was fascinating, and I was enjoying chatting until 5 words fell from her mouth which made me baulk. It was a stark reminder, that for some at least the whispering campaign against me has left a shadow that in some circles follows me yet.

At home last night I shed some tears as I thought about that 24 year old beginning 1993 in such cold isolation. Counting my blessings, I reminded myself that I did make some mistakes. I learned and I grew.

Bringing myself back to NOW and not allowing my headmind to take me back there and leave me staring at a time that is simply too painful, I was reminded of the strength and love of the friends I have in my life! Hallelujah to each and every one of you! Especially those from '93 who didn't fan the flames and reduce me to cinders, I will forever be grateful to you.

Before passing judgement, ask yourself how it serves you to condemn another? Being kind doesn't make us a door mat or a walk over, it means we have a heart large enough to forgive and accept that to be human means to have faults.

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation." - Paulo Coehlo

"Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven." - Luke 6:37

Listening

I watched a programme on TV a while ago that showed a guy in the US on a stony beach stacking fairly massive stones on top of each other. He built some amazing structures, with some of the stones only balancing on a thin edge. I remember him describing how he just listened as he laid one stone on top of another, and by doing so he would get a feel of which stone would successfully balance solidly on the one beneath. I've since discovered that this is quite a popular pastime, with lots of on-line information on the subject. I was out walking yesterday and while enjoying the scenery by the river I picked up some stones and decided to give stone stacking a go. The photo on the left shows what I achieved, I was quite impressed with my first attempt! As I walked away from the river bank, and my temporary piece of art, I realised that I really had listened and been very present as I used my senses to stay rooted in the moment while stacking the stones. As I was stacking I even heard some beech leaves bouncing by on the stones, the birds seemed to by chirping loudly, cheering me on maybe? The river trickling by and the air breathing gently on my face enabled me to really enjoy the experience. Every detail of my surroundings seemed vivid and bright, which someone made the stacking effortless. That feeling, experienced for a few minutes yesterday can be extended into my day at any point. I'll start by just listening.

"Balancing stones requires sensitivity, poise, physical co-ordination and a concentration of attention that results in what might be termed an existential state of being. It is, or can be, meditation, a physical feat, a creative challenge, an art." - A quote from the website (issue 7) www.stonefoundation.org/

Great expectations

When faced with a painful predicament it's very easy to feel pulled down by the apparent lack of any understanding of our plight. We can feel torn apart, devastated, beaten and yet the very person, or people we think will understand can appear to observe us from behind sound proofed triple glazing. Apparently unaware, unable, or unwilling to stretch out a hand to comfort or support us. How quickly we can become self-absorbed by our own pain, becoming a helpless victim of circumstances thrown our way.

Before despondently sinking into depression - STOP! Often the reason we feel so shattered by our isolation at our time of need is because we are such emotional individuals! Those we love, our friends, our families may not be as in touch with their emotions as we are. They may simply not know how to handle our emotional state and feel ill equipped to give us the support we would like them to offer. Also, because some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves, this can be at worst intimidating for others, and at least awkward for them to handle.

It's our own great expectations that others will be able to step up to the mark when we crumble that can set us up for a fall. Speak up! More often than not simply expressing how you're feeling to others is enough of an opening to begin to get the help and support you need.

"It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it." - Lena Horne

"Asking for help does not mean we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence." - Anne Wilson Schaef

Getting yourself back!

Sometimes, and for a variety of reasons, we get stuck in a belief system that the limitations we are living with right now is just the way it is for us these days. I have heard from clients literally hundreds of times phrases like,

"I used to be able to travel on my own."

"I used to have more self-confidence."

"I used to enjoy having time on my own."

"I used to love socialising."

When you hear yourself reminiscing about a positive attribute you seem to have lost somewhere along the road, remind yourself that it's the same you right now that had those abilities as is thinking they are outwith your reach now. Sheesh! That was a long and grammatically challenging sentence!

Seriously, if you HAD the capacity to display and enjoy these qualities, you HAVE the capacity to re-claim them now. Don't let your head convince you those days are past...liberate yourself from those headmind chains by stepping back into your confident, able self and enjoy coming back to the real you!

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Maslow's balloon of needs!

In order to reach self-actualization Abraham Maslow said, "What a man can be, he must be." Self-actualization is at the top of the pyramid of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, with more fundamental human requirements forming the base layers. Maslow himself didn't use the pyramid shape, although it's predominantly how his hierarchy of needs is portrayed.

My feelings about this is that we can quickly become disheartened and de-motivated when we look at the pyramid and interpret it as meaning, "If I don't have all the base categories fulfilled I will never achieve self-actualization." I don't believe that. If we become fixated on that belief we might find ourselves throwing in the towel and "making-do" with an unsatisfactory, unfulfilled existence. Of course we need our physiological needs met, and without a roof over our heads it can be difficult to have time to do much more than survive on a daily basis. However, if you have some of Maslow's basic needs fulfilled there really is no place for the belief that self-actualization is an unattainable dream, something others achieve, not you! You don't have to look far to discover "against the odds" stories of great feats and personal achievements, by people who were thought to be destined for an un-extraordinary life.

My sketch below re-vamps the usual pyramid of Maslow's hierarchy of needs....one thing I do know, I'll never be an artist, and that's okay!

"Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." - George Sheehan 1918-1993

Quietly grateful

To say I'm a happy Mummy would be the understatement of the century. My two eldest children are happy, healthy and living the life they want, doing what makes their hearts sing. My son is happy and healthy and is still at school, so I'm not sure he'd say he's quite fulfilling the "living the life he wants" criteria just yet!

Perhaps my level of happiness for them is directly proportionate to my memories of the harder, more challenging times they've been through? None of us are immune to the ups and downs of life, but when we get through the periods in our life that are sad, hard and challenging, it's only then we can REALLY appreciate and celebrate the good times!

Emily & Tina, this is especially for you xxx

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie