Turning the other cheek

My work and personal life have enabled me to both hear and witness life in full glorious (and sometimes not so glorious) technicolour. The hurt and pain experienced by those I work with often comes from their feeling let down, shocked, or shattered by the actions of someone close to them. Perhaps an accumulation of them turning the other cheek finally takes it's toll - their bodymind no longer allowing them to ignore outrageous, or just plain unacceptable behaviour towards them, and this "pile up" of held emotions results in de-pression, anxiety, IBS or non-specific pain.

Our expectations from those people closest to us are often created in our own heads, often as a result of what society dictates is the "norm" to be expected from a family member, colleague or boss. So when that publicly acceptable "norm" doesn't match what is being displayed in front of us we often come up with headmind justifications why this is happening. "Oh never mind....he was just having a bad day, it'll have blown over tomorrow!" or, "Yes but she's just venting at me because she knows I won't react, we all need to vent!"

It's very noble to turn the other cheek and to quickly be able to forgive someone for being hurtful, rude or just plain unkind, however there also comes a time when you should (and need to in fact) draw a line under a relationship where the person has become habitual in putting you down, criticising or disrespecting you.

Honour yourself, notice how you feel - of course there may be a sense of sadness when you end a relationship, but if the dynamics of your relationship are bully and victim, or demoralizer and enabler be your own friend and lovingly move away from that relationship.

"To love someone is to love their spirit - their essence. To seek to know them at their deepest level. To love what they love and to accept them fully for who they are." - Lowell Greenberg

Seeing what you want to.

On Thursday evening I left Shetland on the last flight, as usual feeling a bit heavy hearted I plonked myself down on my seat and waited for the propellers to start turning, and the stewardess to start her spiel. It was a beautiful sunny evening, only 12 of us were on board, and I felt myself starting to unwind as the engines started to whirr. Taking off, looking down at the turquoise sea and rugged edges of Sumburgh head I turned my head and noticed that as the sun glinted off the propeller it made the exact shape of Alfred Hitchcock's trademark silhouette! The more I stared the more detail I could spot. The wisps of his hair, the distinctive chubby cheeks. It kept me transfixed for most of the journey to Aberdeen. Only when we travelled through some clouds on our descent did Alfred disappear and I was left staring glumly at the propeller simply doing its job.
Not for the first time in my life I was reminded that I can see whatever I want to see. This is not always the best trait! Trusting easily the person who appears kindly. Their smiling - therefore they must be good! Out walking on the hills desperate to spot a deer, I can see hundreds before I realise they're tree stumps. Often the ability to see what we want is harmless enough, funny in fact, but there will be times when, before we fall idly into believing what we see, we should practise noticing what that sight feels like. Engaging our heads and our body's can ensure we keep safe, without losing our creativity and sense of humour.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau
" Don't be afraid to see what you see." - Ronald Reagan

Growing into you.

I planted a load of wild flower seeds in April, they were so tiny I almost lost them in the creases of the palm of my hand! Yesterday I was weeding around the area where they're growing, they now stand about a 12inches high , swaying and moving in the breeze with elegant bends and curtsies, I marvelled at their size.

When my cousin was staying she planted some radish seeds, and 2 days ago I picked four of them to have in a salad, beautiful red, crisp and spicy, planted and tended to and now ripe and ready to eat.

As I planted the wild flower seeds I knew what to expect...the picture on the packet told me what varieties were in there. But I have no concept really on what the seeds go through to become the beautiful adult plants they are now. When cousin Jo-Ann put the radish seeds in the ground I didn't wait and watch expecting them to grow into onions. If I wanted onions I should have planted onions.

Sometimes we try to mould ourselves to be like others, to please them or perhaps we believe if we don't agree or go along with what they want from us we'll be rejected.

I'd rather be rejected by a person that have my bodymind reject me! My body is far more important, my health far more crucial than someone who wants me to ignore my core essence.

Your bodymind wants you to be authentic! Be the person you were born to be - don't ignore the little "nudges" you get, the insights into what you might like to do differently, pay attention! If someone is telling you to be something else, something that takes you away from your truth -STOP! Notice how your body feels around this person, notice how the body feels when this person is not with you. For your own life's sake be honest with yourself about what you want, and who you want to be in the world. When you start living authentically you'll start to attract the right people into your life and opportunities will present themselves to you that give you the chance to be who you know you are!

"It takes courage to grow and become who you really are." - E.E Cummings

Making comparisons

While walking on a remote track on the island of Jura I came across the ruins of a cottage. The gable ends of the house stood, regally with fireplaces at each end. The walls stood less than half their original height, an isolated reminder of a life long forgotten.

On this walk the rain was falling (driving?) horizontally with gale force winds battering into my face and body, I felt invigorated!

It didn't matter as I was well wrapped up, but thinking of the crofters that once inhabited this barren place I thought about the clothing they had. Deer skins, sheep wool, leather from cattle - no Rab or North Face back then!

Mortality rate was high of course but were they made of stronger stuff? Is it impossible to think about living that way now because of all the comforts we have grown so used to having? They worked hard on the land to provide food for their families, and to protect themselves from the harsh environment.

Living in such a rural location I imagine they didn't have a lot of opportunity to compare their lives with others.

It was that thought that made me wonder about the frustrations and depressions some feel today. Is part of it because we compare our lives with that of our neighbours and disgruntlement sets in? Wanting more, expecting to be able to match what others have. So often this results in huge debts being run up and yet there is always more to strive for...more "stuff", more material bit and pieces as if gaining those will somehow make our life complete.

STOP!!! Just for a moment do a reality check on the life you have. There's nothing wrong with wanting to gain a better quality to your life, but pay attention to what your head is telling you "quality" is...my guess is your body may have a different idea!

It wants you to have the best quality of life, which to bodymind means quite simply the fundamentals of life! Without those foundations everything can feel out of balance. So keep in touch with friends, go out into nature and spend time outside of your home, eat well, rest and close your eyes to the media and society's bombardment that you need more.

"A wise man looks upon men as he does on horses; all their comparisons of title, wealth, and place, he consider but as harness." - Robert Cecil

Home is where the heart is.

It's not news to those who know me that I love Scotland..the land, the people, the climate (amazingly, I don't mind the weird variants and wet springs, summers, autumns and winters) and yet after 3 years in my renovated house in a lovely Angus village I'm getting ready to consider a move back to Kirriemuir, just 10 miles from where I live now.

I moved to school in Kirriemuir when I was in primary 3, making friends I still have today. Now, as my son approaches the age to start high school I have a yearning to move back so he can go to the school his sisters and I attended.

The familiarity of the streets, the faces of the locals, though often I don't know their names, all give me a sense of comfort and reassurance that this is the place I want to settle.

I've moved and moved and moved again, living in a variety of locations as far north as Morayshire and as far south as Wiltshire, England - and here I am with my heart set on heading back to the home I left at 17years old.

I remember the anger I projected onto this town as a teenager. It was with a spring in my step I left to move to Moray where I'd been accepted to do my nurse training, a place I'd never visited, a place with unknown faces, and unknown streets.

It was not Kirriemuir's fault that I had some sad and bad memories! All my teenage angst projected onto a town whose red sandstone buildings I'd leant against and laughed with friends, the texture of the dry, dimpled stone so, so familiar.

And now...as an adult with a wealth of life experience I recognise the beauty of the familiarity my old town offers. If only my head and body had been aligned way back then I may not have run away 3hours north, I may have gone temporarily but come back to the place that I know so well without that bitterness in my heart.

So as the house hunting goes on I feel I have now made my peace with an old acquaintance called Kirriemuir.

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to." - John Ed Pearce.

Nature loves a cyclist!

I'm really enjoying the spring weather and getting out on my bike!

Cycling along the roads I noticed nature wrapping itself around me, as if approving of my mode of transport.

A wren bobbed along ahead of me for a bit, then a hare, all legs, ears and tendons ran alongside then leapt over the ditch then cleared the fence and off it strode in giant leaps across the field.

It's so much easier to feel part of nature when one is silently pedalling alongside.

A sparrow hawk watched from a telegraph pole, only allowing me to get two pole lengths from him before elegantly diving off and settling again a safe distance from me.

In a newly ploughed field a plumped up buzzard jumped around like an over weight court judge trying to regain order in a rowdy courtroom.

Every way I looked something caught my eye and warmed my heart.

Why do we separate ourselves from all that lives around and with us?

Are we too busy? Living our lives too fast?

We live as one small part in a world full of other animals, plants and wildlife. How healing it is to spend some time simply observing that I am just one tiny person in an immense natural world.

"Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher." - William Wordsworth

Making memories

Last night I attended the Christmas concert at my son's primary school. It's always heart warming to watch the kids sing their songs and co-ordinate the "moves" they've been taught to go along with the festive music.

As I watched and listened to the enthusiastic singers pleasing the crowd I remembered the Christmas concerts I've been to over the years watching all three of my children.

Children are so precious. For each and every one of them on the stage last night I hope that their Christmas concert can be one of many happy memories they can stash away and remember fondly.

We all need to create a bank of memories so that when life flings us less favourable experiences we can remember better times, reminding ourselves that all things are transient and the good and the bad will pass.

When you're having a bad time don't let your headmind convince you that this is how it is, or that this is the way it will stay.

Be grounded and remind yourself of even the smallest lovely thing that happened to you recently.

"A life-long blessing for children is to fill them with warm memories of times together. Happy memories become treasures in the heart to pull out on the tough days of adulthood." - Charlotte Davis Kasl

Labels

We have to be so careful when we label people, or indeed when we take to heart the label we have been given by others.

We are all different things to different people. I'm a mother, a friend, a colleague, a therapist, a supervisor, a daughter, a cousin, an ex-wife, a niece, a girlfriend, an aunt, a sister....and on and on!

In amongst all of those I will appear to be, happy, direct, grumpy, intolerant, unreasonable, spontaneous, loving, distant, gentle, annoyed, generous, worried, supportive, and more.

The truth is we can be a vast range of things to others; and yet we are none of them.

The label given to describe one person couldn't be further away from the label someone else may use. A label is a very personal perception.

When walking by a homeless girl I tried to imagine who she was. She was always so grateful when I gave her some money, or bought the magazine she was selling. Someones daughter, someones friend. Once she had shelter and yet now she stood with steam seeping from her nostrils, bent over in an attempt to maintain some body heat.

I never want to remember her as "just another homeless person" that label comes no where near to describe who she was, or how she came to be cold and alone.

If I label a homeless person upsetting to see, doesn't that just help to keep me a safe distance from their suffering? I could blame them for not making me feel good, seeing them as responsible for making me uncomfortable. They doesn't own that label - I do.

For this homeless girl to see me walking upright, wrapped up in clean warm clothing, carrying my shopping -might that not be upsetting for her? Isn't it likely that she feels uncomfortable being in this situation, heart sinking as she witnesses people averting their eyes as they try to ignore her plight?

She won't always have had the label of being a homeless person - she has a heart and a soul - and a history that only she knows. The girl I'm speaking of has since died of pneumonia.

Don't be too swift to live by the labels you've been given, nor be too swift to label others.

As you go to bed tonight notice who you are - how does that feel? What label might those people you interacted with today be giving you? Will their assessment be fair?

Would it feel different to expose more of who you really are? What does your headmind say to you that stops you? Practise showing the core essence of you, shed those protective layers and let the world appreciate the real you.

"Once you label me, you negate me." - Soren Kierkegaard

Stars in my eyes!

I'm not exactly sure what woke me up at 3am, maybe an icicle falling off the roof, no matter whatever it was it ensured I was wide awake.

I got up from my cosy bed and opened the curtains to look out on the silent night. On seeing the black night sky I actually said out loud, "Wow!" The stars were so, so bright it was if the noise that had woken me was my house moving closer for a better look , and maybe a twinkle just tapped my bedroom window as it passed by.

I kept my curtains open and crawled back to bed, just staring in awe at the mass of beauty that hides during daylight hours and only displays itself when we disappear in to a dream state. Ironic I thought, what could be more dream like than the view I was looking at wide awake from my bed?

The longer I stared at the more brazen, bright stars the more I began to notice the less bold, shy one's hiding behind the shadowy glare of the brighter ones. A few clusters here, a solitary one there. Bit by bit the night sky seemed to be more willing to show me all the stars one by one, maybe it knew I was in awe, respectful of what I could see, not trivialising it but feeling humbled in fact by its vastness. Sometimes the "quieter" stars would only catch my eye for a second, but if I looked straight at it it seemed to disappear again.

I lay there wondering if those stars were still in existence today. All those light years away and though it may have already died many, many years ago, at that moment I was still experiencing it's beauty.

The night sky has always intrigued and fascinated me and I remember as a very young girl my Dad trying to explain the idea that some of the stars I could see weren't really there anymore. For a nine year old, that was quite something to get a handle on! Dad said, "It's like this, if you could fly up to that star now and you had a great pair of binoculars to look back down to earth you might be able to watch the Battle of Hastings in 1066 happening right before your eyes!" Let me tell you, I might have nodded knowledgeably giving the impression it all made sense, but believe me, it took years for me to understand what he meant! Good old Dad!

The stars remind me that we can all shine. Long after we have left this world we can leave a lasting memory. Some people will leap into your head when perhaps you're reminded of famous activists fighting for the underdog, or someone like Mildred Norman Ryder who for 28 years walked across America on a personal pilgrimage for peace. But what about the neighbour who clears the snow from his elderly neighbours drive, checking that he has enough food and isn't in need as winter weather closes in? Certainly a shining star for the vulnerable person he has quietly helped.

Artists of all varieties can leave their creativity and material legacy for others to appreciate for evermore. However, the bright light you leave doesn't have to be tangible. Kindness shines and touches others for many lifetimes.

Be still and let yourself feel what it is you'd like to do, or let yourself remember what you've done already to leave that sparkle for others to appreciate.

"A life lived with integrity - even if it lacks the trappings of fame and fortune is a shining star in whose light others may follow in the years to come." - Denis Waitley

Listen to yourself - maybe there's a better way!

I remember as a teenager being out dancing, drinking and having a laugh with my friends and having fleeting moments during the evening where, looking around me, I believed there was nothing better than what was happening right there in that moment! Head spinning, laughing though not always completely sure what was so funny, surrounded by friends - what could possibly be better?

But - there was always an emptiness in my heart - a heavy emptiness and I never thought to ask if anyone else was feeling it. It was always there just a bit irritating, no matter how much I drank it just niggled away at me, I tried to suffocate it, drown it but heavier it got.

Sometimes I'd drink so much I'd be sick. At that most undignified point I'd sometimes catch myself thinking, "Okay, you win...that's enough with the heaviness...you're ruining a good night!"

It took me a longer time that I'd have liked to come to the realisation that, whatever I needed to do to be free from that empty, but sorrowful heaviness in my heart, would only become clear when I got a clear head.

Giving up drinking was hard to begin with, but 6 years on I can't really imagine a time in the future where I'd include alcohol in a list of things to do to give me a better life!

I know sometimes people use alcohol to ease the stress they feel at work, or to help them relax and unwind - and for most people that's fine. However, you'll know yourself if you're simply enjoying one or two drinks for social reasons, or if your drinking has become a crutch to help you "get through" life's ups and downs. Either way, in an aligned state you already know what you need to do differently, if anything.

Nowadays I only get that heaviness when I'm feeling sad, and I'm holding it in. I should add, as soon as I feel it starting to get "weighty" I will find a way to express it. Sometimes, I don't want to - but I know the consequences of not practising emotional honesty - and I am not up for my body getting so annoyed that it starts increasing the volume of symptoms until I start speaking up!

Keep yourself open to the possibility that it might be in your best interest to make some changes in your life - and embrace this chance!

"If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrow knows how to swim." - H. Jackson Brown Jr.