The importance of paying attention.

I was given an iTunes voucher from my son-in-law Ewen for Christmas, and trawling through the vast range of music, books and videos on offer I stumbled across the downloadable audio book version of M.Scott Peck's, "The Road Less Travelled."  

Back in 1990 my Mum was reading that book and told me I should read it too - I was 22 years old and thought, "Yeah, whatever...maybe one day I will...doesn't she realise I'm VERY busy looking after my 2 daughters who are under 3 years old!" 

When I saw it on my iPad I thought to myself, "No excuses - now is the time to read it."  Well, in this case listen to it - though I have also managed to uncover Mum's original version in hardback with her name and address on the inside cover.

I'm about half way through it and I now understand why 23 years ago Mum was suggesting I read it!  

I was 24 years old when I had my first experience as a client having been referred through occupational health to the on-site clinical psychologist at the hospital.  

I was stressed out and not coping.

Mum had died. 

My marriage was over. 

I was skint.

I was nursing part time and had young children.

I hated feeling so out of control.

The first session involved me leaving the ward, still in my nurses uniform, going to his office and crying for an hour.

He said very little.

I hated him.

Idiot!

I saw him twice a week initially - which I now realise says a lot about the state I was in!

I never really warmed to him, though I'm sure he was excellent at his job, I wanted him to tell me what to do, tell me how to fix the way I was feeling - just TELL ME!

Of course, that wasn't the way he worked and each session was a truly painful experience. 

After 6 weeks I was only to see him once a week - that felt okay - it felt like I'd been promoted.

I saw him once a week for ages, though I can't remember how long exactly.  I never at any point enjoyed the experience but I did start to notice I was calmer, I was seeing life with a new clarity and didn't feel like I was in that horrible, dark tunnel walking on sponge.  Things were improving for me, and I felt stronger again.

After our last session I sent him a, "Thank you" card, though I felt like he had similar skills to that of an illusionist.  I never quite (at that time) understood what he did or how he did it!  

I know now, that he gave me space to reflect on all the shit that had happened, and gently guided me to be less judgemental of myself, more accepting that though I may not have made the best choices along the way, that did not in fact make me the devil incarnate.

So, back to, "The Road Less Travelled" - the subtitle of the book reads, "A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth"  and there lies the reason I think my Mum was gently nudging me to read it back in 1990.  Maybe I wasn't ready to read M. Scott Peck's words at that intense and challenging time, but maybe it would have saved me a lot of angst in the years that followed.  Who knows?

I wanted to share this story with you as this year the Christmas gift from my son in law has reminded me to pay attention to the gentle, loving "hints" we get from those that care about us. Maybe you can think of subtle, or maybe frank conversations someone close to you has had recently, and maybe you've chosen to ignore their suggestions.  Don't put it off for 23 years like I did! 

If Mum were here today I think she'd be rolling her eyes while saying, "Finally!  Better late than never I suppose!" 

"All you have to do is to pay attention; lessons always arrive when you are ready. and if you can read the signs, you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step." - Paulo Coelho

The wandering stranger

I wrote this blog in September as I sat opposite a stranger on the train to Edinburgh. I just found it in my notebook and thought I'd post it now- Christmas Day.  I hope today has given you the opportunity to create happy memories with family and loved ones that will help keep you warm throughout the year. Happy festive season one and all. Love, Kathleen x

Unaware of the clickity clack of the train. The bushes, buddleia, bankings, platforms, passengers  and station signs all race through her transparent reflection.

I watch her. 

Her eyes missing each and every thing.  Passing her vision - she's further away than the final destination.
What entrances her? 

Encased in her own thoughts, her destination behind her facing nowhere. 
Her eyes cannot be still, heavy blinking as the train rolls up to the next station, then like the accelerating train her eyes jump faster and faster trying to take in all that passes-by.
Bales of golden hay reflecting on her face - a montage of the summer memories. Pursing lips oblivious to others, unaware of her place or presence in this carriage to who knows where. 

I want to whisper to her, "Be still and soak up all that surrounds you now. Tomorrow can wait and yesterday is but a fading field of crops. You're here now - enjoy the journey." 

Instead I watch silently and write.

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." - Greg Anderson 

Forgiveness for all - even Gurus

A self professed Guru (which in itself is a bit worrying!) told me once that he gave everyone a second chance - but if he was let down or hurt a third time that was it!  Nothing would change his mind - the friendship, or relationship with that person, no matter who they were - family, friend or colleague would be permanently erased from that moment.
Thank goodness that belief isn't held by every one of us.  At the time of having that conversation I told him that I felt that, "rule" was a bit harsh. Being human means we will all make mistakes, some more than others, but we all will - even "Gurus"!  Hopefully we learn from them, and we may make more mistakes, and learn from them - but if we all decided that 3 strikes meant you were, "out" it would be a rather short-fused world we lived in, and not one I'd like to be part of.
Forgiveness is not easy - of course it isn't. I think it's THE hardest thing to do.  A little reminder of the nasty thing that person did creeps into the forefront of your mind, and no matter what wonderful thing that person is doing for you now, all you can see in front of you is their good deed obscured by a dancing, techni-colour memory of the hurtful event from the past.
BUT if you can stay grounded in NOW and recognise that the past is just that - and all that is happening in this moment is real and true, then the healing that can take place benefits both parties.  So, the "Guru" I referred to at the start of this blog misses opportunities to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships as he runs off looking for "better" people to surround himself with - no real challenge or opportunity for growth, in fact, if anything he risks becoming more and more cynical as he realises, 3 strikes maybe isn't enough and he's running out of people to surround himself with.
When you recognise you've made a mistake the first person to forgive is yourself. Only then can you take steps towards making amends to the person you have hurt or let down.  If they can't handle or aren't ready to accept or hear your apology, then lovingly step back - continue being kind to yourself without listening to your condemning critical headmind!  You've taken major steps forward by understanding where you went wrong, forgiving yourself and trying to repair the hurt between you and the other person.  This is a far more emotionally mature approach than judging or criticising yourself.  When you're the person who has been hurt just remember your own imperfections and be softer, and perhaps just a bit more gentle on the other person before you dive in and start ripping their character apart.
We're all human - we're all flawed - and we could all do with being a bit more forgiving and kind to our fellow man.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi
"He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven." - Thomas Fuller

It starts with the knees....

When practising movements in Tai Chi and when moving in an Alexander Technique lesson one is told that bending the knee helps a person move more easily, stay balanced and avoid tension developing in other areas of the body.  I can only refer to those two as they, along with yoga are processes I'm most familiar with - but I'm sure this idea is also being taught to pupils of other disciplines.
When we hold ourselves tightly and push our way through the day we risk missing important clues from our own intuitive bodymind. Tightly fixed on getting to the end of our day - blinkers on - a tight narrow view as the clock ticks - what will your body have to do to get you to pay attention to the bigger picture?
Something as simple as a bend in the knee may seem too small a detail to bother paying much attention to - but I believe it's small things like this that make a huge difference to our ability to flow easily while also heightening our ability to be present here and now.  When we do that we are giving ourselves the opportunity to witness that creative "nudge", or follow through with that idea that seemed to spontaneously leap into our head regarding a kind thing we could do for our neighbour. Those thoughts, feelings and ideas are there for the taking and will present themselves easily whenever we soften that tight grip we're holding.
So, today as you move, think about unlocking your knees, your skeleton and muscles already know how to keep you upright without you thinking about tensing and tightening your body!
Bend your knees and enjoy letting go of being that active, critical tenser, and instead feel yourself becoming a mindful, yet passive witness to all that you are.
"You translate everything, whether physical, mental or spiritual, into muscular tension." - F.M Alexander
"Practise non-doing, and everything will fall into place." - Lao-tzu

What is perfection?

My clients often speak of their deep sense of failure based on the belief that they're just not good enough. The overlap can extend far and wide, a dark heavy blanket covering their home and work environment. Their role as a parent, sibling, manager, friend, wife or husband comes under scrutiny by their over critical headmind.
"I'm so bad at keeping in touch - I'm such a bad friend!"
"I feel overwhelmed at work, out my depth, I'm not even sure how I got this job."
"I missed the signs when my daughter was struggling."
"Why did my wife not tell me she was so unhappy?  I'm hopeless!"
How on earth can we expect to master all the roles handed to us, perfecting every aspect of being human when no-one...NO-ONE is perfect?!
I shouted at my son the other day after he slammed the door in an angry outburst.  My reaction, shouting at him, was not necessarily the best, or perfect way to deal with that situation, but it's what I did.
If you find yourself demanding perfection from another person ask yourself this, "How can I demand perfection from others when I too am imperfect?!"
Try thinking STOP when the headmind starts up with its sabotaging thoughts and just be kinder to yourself. Swamp your negative, repetitive thoughts with the words your best friend would say to you if she or he heard you putting yourself down this way.  Visualise loving arms holding you and telling you not to be so hard on yourself.  You are here.  You are human.  You do what you can with the knowledge you have.  There's no-one out there getting it right all of the time.  We learn as we go.  You and I are no different.  We excel at times, and we make mistakes.  That's LIFE!
STOP thinking you're flawed and start being more forgiving.  By being more gentle and kinder to yourself you will find it easier to be that way with others.  As we heal we're then more able to heal others, relieving them of the burdens and beliefs they carry on their shoulders.  Life is such a short journey, shouldn't we try to love and laugh more while criticising and condemning less?
"Once you accept you are not perfect; then you develop some confidence." - Rosalynn Carter
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

The bigness of there, and the smallness of me.

Being swept along in the hustle and bustle of London, or in fact in any big city can leave me feeling incredibly fragile. I ran a clinic in Harley Street for a few years, then subsequently in Wigmore Street, W1.
Central London was always a bit of a mystery to me. No-one smiled, or said, "Hello!" No-one! On my journey from the airport to the office via the underground and by foot I felt over stimulated by all the noise, the people - everything.
I always tried to arrive at my office a good bit before my first client so I could sit peacefully and free my head from the "buzziness" left by the journey.
My clients were lovely - they seemed completely unfazed by the race course they'd left outside, and as they entered my peaceful office they seemed perfectly calm.  On their arrival I always wanted to ask, "How is it out there now?!  It was crazy when I came in this morning, seriously!  I think I saw more people on my way to the office today than I've seen in my entire LIFE!"  But I quickly realised that could be misinterpreted as me being a tad unhinged, and though they knew I was a country bumpkin from Scotland, there was no point in labouring the fact that I found London, too big, too busy and too intimidating. Moving through it left me feeling dissociated and spaced out... that was, until I really got the hang of mindfulness.
It was while on the Victoria Line to Oxford Circus one morning at 8am that I really honed the ability to stay grounded and mindful.
As is probably the norm at that time of day the underground, and each train coming into the station, was jam packed full.  So, as I waited on the platform being pushed and jostled by everyone vying for the best position, the train stopped, the doors opened and in I went.  As I stood there making myself as slim-lined as possible, I tilted my head down, then to the side and counted the feet and bodies making contact with me. My arm clung tightly to the strap hanging from the pole above my head..1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...7!  SEVEN! Seven strangers all making contact with me.  That was weird!  It was really hot in the carriage standing there, crammed in...and then I got a feeling I hadn't experienced in many years.  That weird prickly heat rising up from my core, sweaty hands, tight chest, shallow breathing - not a panic attack?!  Not now after so many years?!  So then I remembered all that I've learnt and all that I teach clients.
THINK STOP!
I shifted my awareness to my feet on the ground and engaged all my senses in that moment.  The driver had made an announcement that we'd had to stop (in the tunnel) for a few minutes as the train in front needed to move on first before he could progress.  I felt my hand gripping the strap, I heightened my awareness of how my hand felt, I paid more attention to the sensations and tension in my hand and shoulder.  Then I thought about my feet on the ground, someone's foot was on top of one of mine so I gently moved my foot and freed it from the shiny black shoe that had been bearing down on my toes. Then my focus moved to my breathing. I reminded myself of a teaching from the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh's,  and I started repeating silently in my head the words I'd read from his book years before,
"Breathing in - I am peace, breathing out - I am calm."
As our thoughts become physical manifestations I could feel myself settling into a very peaceful place as I repeated this phrase over and over.  I was cooling down, and re-connecting solidly to the reality of the situation.  Looking around me I could see that nobody was enjoying being stuck on the train.  We were all en route to our destination and all we wanted was to get off the train as soon as possible so we could get on with our day.
There was something unifying in that realisation.  I wasn't really alone in the big city.  I was surrounded by other people, some were comfortable on their commute, some weren't.  I could allow my discomfort to overwhelm me, or I could use tools and techniques to allow me to reign in the catastrophising headmind and let my fear diminish and melt away.

“Overcoming panic attacks has left me humbled. It’s taught me how to be brave. It’s left me compassionate to the fears and sufferings of other people. It’s given me the wisdom that my thoughts and feelings are simply subjective responses, and don’t need to be taken as true reflections of reality." - Julie Farrell

The ultimate winners

After a terrible revelation that came to light a few years ago, I made it my mission to remedy a horrendous wrong. Sleepless nights, some anxiety and a deep sense of being completely alone with my grief and anger ensued.

Friends said the right stuff, family did their best, and my husband Andrew kept me as grounded as he could.

Sadly, bit by bit it became apparent that, despite letters and phone calls to all the relevant agencies involved in the case the ultimate, "corroborative evidence" was missing, therefore - at that point - the case could not be brought to fruition.

Five years have passed, and though justice has not (yet) been done, I feel that my daughters and I are winners in the true sense of the word. 

All three of us are healthy, happy and in loving relationships with a tremendous circle of friends that have been there for us throughout.

So, when I wrote recently on Facebook that, "winning is not always about defeating another person" it was this life changing event that I was referring to.

We may be deeply scarred by what has happened, BUT it has also done the opposite of what the perpetrator may have wanted, by making us stronger, even more appreciative of each other and bonded our love in a way that he, and people like him, will never experience in their lives.

"My love for you is not like rain, which comes and goes away. But it's like sky, moves with you all around." - Raghav Singh

You can be your own guru

Last night I watched a documentary film made by  Deepak Chopra's son called, "Decoding Deepak". The description read,

"In this documentary, filmmaker and journalist Gotham Chopra embarks on a year-long road trip with his father, Deepak Chopra, to reconcile the spiritual icon with the real man known to his family."  

I have always had an awareness that our perception of people is directly affected by our starting point. Deepak's son, a successful journalist in his own right, wanted his Dad to spend more time at home as he and his sister were growing up - but Deepak was driven to spread his spiritual knowledge to as many people as he could through book writing, seminars and TV talk shows.  The flip side was that people who were searching for a Guru found Deepak. He was telling them exactly what they needed and wanted to hear.  His family often travelled with him, leading a chaotic life, feeling confused as they witnessed strangers idolise the man who was their father.
At several points in the documentary I could feel the strain between father and son - but equally there was a mutual love and respect there too.  Gotham remarked to his father that a lot of what he does must be great for his ego - to which Deepak responded by saying it had nothing to do with his ego.

I don't think there's anything wrong with "feeling good" about doing something well and having a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction about our personal achievements.  I also believe there's a fine line between that and becoming arrogant and self righteous about it.  Ego is involved, and there should be less shame and embarrassment about admitting that. I think and feel that some of the new age and religious movements have managed to demonise the ego, and yet it is simply another part of being human.

We certainly should practise keeping any self righteousness in check, and keep an eye on allowing the false belief to creep in that we're in some way special or better than others.  I'm no Deepak Chopra, but what I do know is that when a client of mine gets well I feel great about it!  Without doubt it is the most lovely and heart warming feeling when the mother of a client says, "You've given me back my daughter!"  or a client on returning to health asks , "What would my life have been like if I'd never made that first appointment with you?!"  I thank them for their kind words, and enjoy the sense of joy at seeing them well, but I only facilitated their journey to health.  They did the work - and their healing was always something within their grasp.

If you feel as if you're "searching" for guidance or support by all means get reading and researching, but remember that within you is the capability to take what you need from the authors and apply it to your own life.  Guru's are just like you and me - they may be expert in their field but they also have the same vulnerabilities and human frailties as the rest of us!

“No one and nothing outside of you can give you salvation, or free you from the misery. You have to light your own lamp. You have to know the miniature universe that you yourself are.” ― Banani Ray from Awakening Inner Guru

If you're bored - do something else!

When I'm reading a book I love that excited feeling as I wonder what's going to happen next.  The anticipation, the guessing, wondering which way it will go, curious to uncover what unexpected twist the author will use to keep the reader gripped..
If you feel stuck in a repeating, unfulfilling pattern, like reading the same chapter of a book over and over again, then start taking steps towards making a more fulfilling life for yourself.
If I did re-reading the same chapter then I'd become incredibly familiar with the text, so much so that in time I'd be able to recite passages from it.  The result would be boredom which in turn would quickly diminish my interest in discovering what happened next and have me tossing it aside in favour of something new, fresh and more stimulating.
I have heard numerous times, "I can't change now - I've been doing it this way for years!"  Or another favourite is, "Oh it's not THAT bad..there's a lot worse off than I am!"
Oh my! Those are just two phrases clients use that have my heart sinking whenever I hear them.  Just because we can repeat a task without engaging that healthy relationship between our body and mind, doing it mindlessly, not mindfully doesn't make it okay.
We've all had those moments of joy when we've accomplished something.  It doesn't matter whether it was, working out how to use your new iPad, knitting your first square, climbing your first Munro, running your first 5K, overcoming nerves to give a speech.  At some point you did something that gave you a sense of achievement when you'd completed it.
It doesn't have to be a life changing, earth shattering occupation - or one laden with physical or academic pressure.  Doing anything well, doing it whole-heartedly and having it leave you with a sense of accomplishment is surely what we should all be striving for?  If you haven't found that yet, but need to make ends meet in the meantime doing something less than ideal, keep focused on where you'd like to go next and don't take your eye off that goal. Make a plan of action - spend time at the beginning and end of each day to take steps towards reaching that place. Stay grounded and stay focused and each day enjoy feeling that sense of accomplishment as you look back on your day knowing you've done all you could do that day to take even a small step closer to your desired future.
"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C.S Lewis

Potential

Recently my husband planted some bulbs in our garden.  They were pretty scabby, unremarkable looking objects.
The photo on the packet however told a different story.
Circular headed purple flowers, perfectly formed, beautiful Alliums destined to bring colour and joy to our garden next year, providing they fulfil their potential.
Everything in nature has potential to be amazing.
Everything.
Sometimes individuals believe they can't reach their potential - lacking faith in themselves they make do with the hand they've been dealt.
The belief that we have to "make do" and give up trying to follow our dreams because life just isn't like that does not belong to you! That negativity has been "gifted" to you by the significant adults you listened to when you were growing up.  It belongs to them - and it's not what your core essence, that all loving, all knowing part of yourself believes - so please, no matter how old you are, start ignoring that repetitive thought!
Phrases I hear all too often in my work as a therapist start with,
"I'd love to but...."
"I've dreamt of doing that, but what would folk think of me giving up this career to do that?!"
"I can't - my Mum wouldn't like it - she's proud of me doing this job."
"Yes but, if I did that it might not work."
Do you think the Alliums have those thoughts?!  No!
All they ask for is a bit of nourishment, warmth and sunlight - and I can rest safe in the knowledge that they will reach their potential and be a magnificent spectacle in my garden.
If the weather is harsh on them I'll give them protection.  If the soil is lacking in nourishment I will provide nutrients by adding a fertilizer to help support their growth and encourage them to flourish into all they can be.
How wonderful a world this would be if we could simply provide the people we love with all the warmth, comfort and nourishment they need to enable them to be all they dream of becoming.
Supply a solid foundation, then step back.
You can hold them close to your heart and enjoy watching them flourish into exactly what they should be, can be and will be.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain, and feel the wind.  Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams." - Ashley Smith
"With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world." - Dalai Lama