Now is the time!

There really is no time like the present - literally. There is NO time like the present! How often have you found yourself talking yourself out of starting something that needs to be dealt with?  Instead of doing it, you catch yourself pondering, wondering, trawling, sifting, analysing and fretting, not just over what needs to be done, but over old stuff that has already happened, or might (and might not) happen in the future?!
Maybe it serves as an excellent diversion to avoid getting on with all that needs to be addressed today - right now - in this moment. I don't know, but what I do know is that there's nothing more satisfying to body and mind than taking action and completing whatever needs to be tackled.  Make yourself a promise that today you're going to take the first step towards attending to that thing that needs fixing, discussed or sorted - when you do you're just going to feel so pleased with yourself - and so you should! Remember, now is the only time we have, so do yourself a favour and don't put it off any longer!  
"Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it." - Steve Chandler.

The strength to snap!

Sometimes an assumption is made about the strength of another. I often meet clients who are seen by others as being able to cope with anything life throws at them; and so begins a cycle which can be seriously detrimental to their health.
This self-defeating pattern often begins when they are called upon by a family member, friend or colleague to help with a situation that has developed, and they hear themselves saying, "Yes, of course..no problem!" Their headmind may initially be flattered by the fact that it's clear they're seen as focused, strong - maybe even infallible!
Putting aside any of their own needs they get stuck on that never-ending roller coaster of doing and doing and doing - and all of it for the benefit of others.
The bodymind will only tolerate this imbalance for so long - and if they don't gather the strength to speak up and ask for help the inevitable symptoms will begin.
How loud do your symptoms have to get before you stop and speak up?  Is there someone at your work, or in your family you know is dealing with too much, putting a brave face on it and resisting asking for help?  Do them a favour and get that conversation started.  Being strong is one thing - being strong enough to speak up when you want off the roller-coaster is another. Maybe you're the one who can help that person put the brakes on, or maybe you've started getting symptoms and are fumbling for the brakes yourself.  Know that the minute you reach out for help is the minute your body can start turning down the volume of your symptoms and help you get some balance back into your life.  Remember too, it really is okay to say, "No" and by doing so you will be able to say, "Yes" to more.  As soon as you make speaking up and creating balance in your own life the priority your body will truly celebrate that it can start freeing you from debilitating stress - related symptoms, so please, don't put it off any longer!
"When you say "yes" to others, make sure you are not saying "no" to yourself." - Paulo Coelho
"Saying yes to happiness means learning to say no to things and people that stress you out." - Thema Davis

We're a' Jock Tamson's bairns!

More often than not when I hear someone being described as, "eccentric" the description of them usually involves a shaking of the head, a rolling of the eyes and an acknowledgement that they're a bit, "out there". In actual fact, I find that those so called "eccentrics" are often beautifully connected to their authentic self. Frequently their living their lives in a far more honest way than those who let the combination of a deep rooted need to conform with a fear of standing out from the crowd dictate their behaviour and life choices.
Of course there are varying degrees of eccentricity - but providing someone isn't inflicting pain on another why do others condemn them?
I wonder if there is an element of jealousy?  Perhaps they provoke a sense of awe to the conformist observer who cannot even imagine how it must feel to be freed from their restrictive thoughts and beliefs? Maybe the idea that anyone can truly embrace life and be completely honest about what makes their heart sing proves too much for the conventionalist?
What is wrong with simply celebrating our differences in the knowledge that, for both the eccentric and the conformist, life will serve them the whole gamut of experiences?
Just remember, that underneath whatever we perceive in another, is a human being who feels pain, who laughs, who cries, who celebrates, who needs comfort and who grieves.  Could you, in this new year work on just letting others be who they want to be without judgement or condemnation?  
We really are, quite simply - all the same.  We're here, we're alive, and we're living our lives in a way that fits our unique individuality and personality.  Love it or loathe it, that's how people are - wouldn't it be easier and less upsetting just to love and accept others?
"It is not our differences that divide us.  It is our inability to recognise, accept, and celebrate those differences." - Audre Lorde
"We're a' Jock Tamson's bairns"  a phrase written in Lowland Scots and Northumbrian English from the 1800's meaning, "We're all the same under the skin."

The importance of paying attention.

I was given an iTunes voucher from my son-in-law Ewen for Christmas, and trawling through the vast range of music, books and videos on offer I stumbled across the downloadable audio book version of M.Scott Peck's, "The Road Less Travelled."  

Back in 1990 my Mum was reading that book and told me I should read it too - I was 22 years old and thought, "Yeah, whatever...maybe one day I will...doesn't she realise I'm VERY busy looking after my 2 daughters who are under 3 years old!" 

When I saw it on my iPad I thought to myself, "No excuses - now is the time to read it."  Well, in this case listen to it - though I have also managed to uncover Mum's original version in hardback with her name and address on the inside cover.

I'm about half way through it and I now understand why 23 years ago Mum was suggesting I read it!  

I was 24 years old when I had my first experience as a client having been referred through occupational health to the on-site clinical psychologist at the hospital.  

I was stressed out and not coping.

Mum had died. 

My marriage was over. 

I was skint.

I was nursing part time and had young children.

I hated feeling so out of control.

The first session involved me leaving the ward, still in my nurses uniform, going to his office and crying for an hour.

He said very little.

I hated him.

Idiot!

I saw him twice a week initially - which I now realise says a lot about the state I was in!

I never really warmed to him, though I'm sure he was excellent at his job, I wanted him to tell me what to do, tell me how to fix the way I was feeling - just TELL ME!

Of course, that wasn't the way he worked and each session was a truly painful experience. 

After 6 weeks I was only to see him once a week - that felt okay - it felt like I'd been promoted.

I saw him once a week for ages, though I can't remember how long exactly.  I never at any point enjoyed the experience but I did start to notice I was calmer, I was seeing life with a new clarity and didn't feel like I was in that horrible, dark tunnel walking on sponge.  Things were improving for me, and I felt stronger again.

After our last session I sent him a, "Thank you" card, though I felt like he had similar skills to that of an illusionist.  I never quite (at that time) understood what he did or how he did it!  

I know now, that he gave me space to reflect on all the shit that had happened, and gently guided me to be less judgemental of myself, more accepting that though I may not have made the best choices along the way, that did not in fact make me the devil incarnate.

So, back to, "The Road Less Travelled" - the subtitle of the book reads, "A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth"  and there lies the reason I think my Mum was gently nudging me to read it back in 1990.  Maybe I wasn't ready to read M. Scott Peck's words at that intense and challenging time, but maybe it would have saved me a lot of angst in the years that followed.  Who knows?

I wanted to share this story with you as this year the Christmas gift from my son in law has reminded me to pay attention to the gentle, loving "hints" we get from those that care about us. Maybe you can think of subtle, or maybe frank conversations someone close to you has had recently, and maybe you've chosen to ignore their suggestions.  Don't put it off for 23 years like I did! 

If Mum were here today I think she'd be rolling her eyes while saying, "Finally!  Better late than never I suppose!" 

"All you have to do is to pay attention; lessons always arrive when you are ready. and if you can read the signs, you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step." - Paulo Coelho

The wandering stranger

I wrote this blog in September as I sat opposite a stranger on the train to Edinburgh. I just found it in my notebook and thought I'd post it now- Christmas Day.  I hope today has given you the opportunity to create happy memories with family and loved ones that will help keep you warm throughout the year. Happy festive season one and all. Love, Kathleen x

Unaware of the clickity clack of the train. The bushes, buddleia, bankings, platforms, passengers  and station signs all race through her transparent reflection.

I watch her. 

Her eyes missing each and every thing.  Passing her vision - she's further away than the final destination.
What entrances her? 

Encased in her own thoughts, her destination behind her facing nowhere. 
Her eyes cannot be still, heavy blinking as the train rolls up to the next station, then like the accelerating train her eyes jump faster and faster trying to take in all that passes-by.
Bales of golden hay reflecting on her face - a montage of the summer memories. Pursing lips oblivious to others, unaware of her place or presence in this carriage to who knows where. 

I want to whisper to her, "Be still and soak up all that surrounds you now. Tomorrow can wait and yesterday is but a fading field of crops. You're here now - enjoy the journey." 

Instead I watch silently and write.

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." - Greg Anderson 

Forgiveness for all - even Gurus

A self professed Guru (which in itself is a bit worrying!) told me once that he gave everyone a second chance - but if he was let down or hurt a third time that was it!  Nothing would change his mind - the friendship, or relationship with that person, no matter who they were - family, friend or colleague would be permanently erased from that moment.
Thank goodness that belief isn't held by every one of us.  At the time of having that conversation I told him that I felt that, "rule" was a bit harsh. Being human means we will all make mistakes, some more than others, but we all will - even "Gurus"!  Hopefully we learn from them, and we may make more mistakes, and learn from them - but if we all decided that 3 strikes meant you were, "out" it would be a rather short-fused world we lived in, and not one I'd like to be part of.
Forgiveness is not easy - of course it isn't. I think it's THE hardest thing to do.  A little reminder of the nasty thing that person did creeps into the forefront of your mind, and no matter what wonderful thing that person is doing for you now, all you can see in front of you is their good deed obscured by a dancing, techni-colour memory of the hurtful event from the past.
BUT if you can stay grounded in NOW and recognise that the past is just that - and all that is happening in this moment is real and true, then the healing that can take place benefits both parties.  So, the "Guru" I referred to at the start of this blog misses opportunities to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships as he runs off looking for "better" people to surround himself with - no real challenge or opportunity for growth, in fact, if anything he risks becoming more and more cynical as he realises, 3 strikes maybe isn't enough and he's running out of people to surround himself with.
When you recognise you've made a mistake the first person to forgive is yourself. Only then can you take steps towards making amends to the person you have hurt or let down.  If they can't handle or aren't ready to accept or hear your apology, then lovingly step back - continue being kind to yourself without listening to your condemning critical headmind!  You've taken major steps forward by understanding where you went wrong, forgiving yourself and trying to repair the hurt between you and the other person.  This is a far more emotionally mature approach than judging or criticising yourself.  When you're the person who has been hurt just remember your own imperfections and be softer, and perhaps just a bit more gentle on the other person before you dive in and start ripping their character apart.
We're all human - we're all flawed - and we could all do with being a bit more forgiving and kind to our fellow man.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi
"He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven." - Thomas Fuller

It starts with the knees....

When practising movements in Tai Chi and when moving in an Alexander Technique lesson one is told that bending the knee helps a person move more easily, stay balanced and avoid tension developing in other areas of the body.  I can only refer to those two as they, along with yoga are processes I'm most familiar with - but I'm sure this idea is also being taught to pupils of other disciplines.
When we hold ourselves tightly and push our way through the day we risk missing important clues from our own intuitive bodymind. Tightly fixed on getting to the end of our day - blinkers on - a tight narrow view as the clock ticks - what will your body have to do to get you to pay attention to the bigger picture?
Something as simple as a bend in the knee may seem too small a detail to bother paying much attention to - but I believe it's small things like this that make a huge difference to our ability to flow easily while also heightening our ability to be present here and now.  When we do that we are giving ourselves the opportunity to witness that creative "nudge", or follow through with that idea that seemed to spontaneously leap into our head regarding a kind thing we could do for our neighbour. Those thoughts, feelings and ideas are there for the taking and will present themselves easily whenever we soften that tight grip we're holding.
So, today as you move, think about unlocking your knees, your skeleton and muscles already know how to keep you upright without you thinking about tensing and tightening your body!
Bend your knees and enjoy letting go of being that active, critical tenser, and instead feel yourself becoming a mindful, yet passive witness to all that you are.
"You translate everything, whether physical, mental or spiritual, into muscular tension." - F.M Alexander
"Practise non-doing, and everything will fall into place." - Lao-tzu

What is perfection?

My clients often speak of their deep sense of failure based on the belief that they're just not good enough. The overlap can extend far and wide, a dark heavy blanket covering their home and work environment. Their role as a parent, sibling, manager, friend, wife or husband comes under scrutiny by their over critical headmind.
"I'm so bad at keeping in touch - I'm such a bad friend!"
"I feel overwhelmed at work, out my depth, I'm not even sure how I got this job."
"I missed the signs when my daughter was struggling."
"Why did my wife not tell me she was so unhappy?  I'm hopeless!"
How on earth can we expect to master all the roles handed to us, perfecting every aspect of being human when no-one...NO-ONE is perfect?!
I shouted at my son the other day after he slammed the door in an angry outburst.  My reaction, shouting at him, was not necessarily the best, or perfect way to deal with that situation, but it's what I did.
If you find yourself demanding perfection from another person ask yourself this, "How can I demand perfection from others when I too am imperfect?!"
Try thinking STOP when the headmind starts up with its sabotaging thoughts and just be kinder to yourself. Swamp your negative, repetitive thoughts with the words your best friend would say to you if she or he heard you putting yourself down this way.  Visualise loving arms holding you and telling you not to be so hard on yourself.  You are here.  You are human.  You do what you can with the knowledge you have.  There's no-one out there getting it right all of the time.  We learn as we go.  You and I are no different.  We excel at times, and we make mistakes.  That's LIFE!
STOP thinking you're flawed and start being more forgiving.  By being more gentle and kinder to yourself you will find it easier to be that way with others.  As we heal we're then more able to heal others, relieving them of the burdens and beliefs they carry on their shoulders.  Life is such a short journey, shouldn't we try to love and laugh more while criticising and condemning less?
"Once you accept you are not perfect; then you develop some confidence." - Rosalynn Carter
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

The bigness of there, and the smallness of me.

Being swept along in the hustle and bustle of London, or in fact in any big city can leave me feeling incredibly fragile. I ran a clinic in Harley Street for a few years, then subsequently in Wigmore Street, W1.
Central London was always a bit of a mystery to me. No-one smiled, or said, "Hello!" No-one! On my journey from the airport to the office via the underground and by foot I felt over stimulated by all the noise, the people - everything.
I always tried to arrive at my office a good bit before my first client so I could sit peacefully and free my head from the "buzziness" left by the journey.
My clients were lovely - they seemed completely unfazed by the race course they'd left outside, and as they entered my peaceful office they seemed perfectly calm.  On their arrival I always wanted to ask, "How is it out there now?!  It was crazy when I came in this morning, seriously!  I think I saw more people on my way to the office today than I've seen in my entire LIFE!"  But I quickly realised that could be misinterpreted as me being a tad unhinged, and though they knew I was a country bumpkin from Scotland, there was no point in labouring the fact that I found London, too big, too busy and too intimidating. Moving through it left me feeling dissociated and spaced out... that was, until I really got the hang of mindfulness.
It was while on the Victoria Line to Oxford Circus one morning at 8am that I really honed the ability to stay grounded and mindful.
As is probably the norm at that time of day the underground, and each train coming into the station, was jam packed full.  So, as I waited on the platform being pushed and jostled by everyone vying for the best position, the train stopped, the doors opened and in I went.  As I stood there making myself as slim-lined as possible, I tilted my head down, then to the side and counted the feet and bodies making contact with me. My arm clung tightly to the strap hanging from the pole above my head..1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...7!  SEVEN! Seven strangers all making contact with me.  That was weird!  It was really hot in the carriage standing there, crammed in...and then I got a feeling I hadn't experienced in many years.  That weird prickly heat rising up from my core, sweaty hands, tight chest, shallow breathing - not a panic attack?!  Not now after so many years?!  So then I remembered all that I've learnt and all that I teach clients.
THINK STOP!
I shifted my awareness to my feet on the ground and engaged all my senses in that moment.  The driver had made an announcement that we'd had to stop (in the tunnel) for a few minutes as the train in front needed to move on first before he could progress.  I felt my hand gripping the strap, I heightened my awareness of how my hand felt, I paid more attention to the sensations and tension in my hand and shoulder.  Then I thought about my feet on the ground, someone's foot was on top of one of mine so I gently moved my foot and freed it from the shiny black shoe that had been bearing down on my toes. Then my focus moved to my breathing. I reminded myself of a teaching from the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh's,  and I started repeating silently in my head the words I'd read from his book years before,
"Breathing in - I am peace, breathing out - I am calm."
As our thoughts become physical manifestations I could feel myself settling into a very peaceful place as I repeated this phrase over and over.  I was cooling down, and re-connecting solidly to the reality of the situation.  Looking around me I could see that nobody was enjoying being stuck on the train.  We were all en route to our destination and all we wanted was to get off the train as soon as possible so we could get on with our day.
There was something unifying in that realisation.  I wasn't really alone in the big city.  I was surrounded by other people, some were comfortable on their commute, some weren't.  I could allow my discomfort to overwhelm me, or I could use tools and techniques to allow me to reign in the catastrophising headmind and let my fear diminish and melt away.

“Overcoming panic attacks has left me humbled. It’s taught me how to be brave. It’s left me compassionate to the fears and sufferings of other people. It’s given me the wisdom that my thoughts and feelings are simply subjective responses, and don’t need to be taken as true reflections of reality." - Julie Farrell

The ultimate winners

After a terrible revelation that came to light a few years ago, I made it my mission to remedy a horrendous wrong. Sleepless nights, some anxiety and a deep sense of being completely alone with my grief and anger ensued.

Friends said the right stuff, family did their best, and my husband Andrew kept me as grounded as he could.

Sadly, bit by bit it became apparent that, despite letters and phone calls to all the relevant agencies involved in the case the ultimate, "corroborative evidence" was missing, therefore - at that point - the case could not be brought to fruition.

Five years have passed, and though justice has not (yet) been done, I feel that my daughters and I are winners in the true sense of the word. 

All three of us are healthy, happy and in loving relationships with a tremendous circle of friends that have been there for us throughout.

So, when I wrote recently on Facebook that, "winning is not always about defeating another person" it was this life changing event that I was referring to.

We may be deeply scarred by what has happened, BUT it has also done the opposite of what the perpetrator may have wanted, by making us stronger, even more appreciative of each other and bonded our love in a way that he, and people like him, will never experience in their lives.

"My love for you is not like rain, which comes and goes away. But it's like sky, moves with you all around." - Raghav Singh