It's not always about you...but it nearly is!

I often hear myself repeating to clients the importance of paying attention to their own needs, I explain how health promoting it is to speak up honestly and constructively about what those needs are.  There is a background fear, a belief commonly held by many of my clients that by asking for what they want they are therefore selfish, self absorbed, heartlessly showing no concern or care for the needs of others.
Changing those beliefs can be tricky, though not impossible! I encourage anyone who can recognise themselves as being "people pleasers" to stop before giving the standard, "Yes! I'll do it!" answer.  Explain you need time to decide if you can or indeed want to do what is being asked of you, and you will let them know in a couple of days.
Now, sit in a peaceful place and imagine yourself doing the task being asked of you.  What feelings come up?  Do you feel light or heavy?  Does it fill you with dread or a sense of fulfilment? Remember your body is the truth teller.  Pay close attention to what it's telling you.  If you decline the request that has been put to you by saying, "No, but thanks for asking me.  I simply can't take that on at this time." The lovely thing to remember is that the sun will continue to rise, the sea will ebb and flow and all will be well.
By being kinder to yourself and whenever possible taking on roles you want you will be healthier and therefore more able to be there for others in their time of need.
On that note...when we have been stretching ourselves too thinly and taking on too much we can often miss really important opportunities to be there for people we care about.  We get stuck in our heads saying all sorts of things like, "Oh they'll be fine - they have other folk with them just now."  "I'm too busy at the moment,  I'll call them later, they'll know I'm thinking of them."  "I think I'd be uncomfortable around them , I wouldn't know what to say." All headmind excuses which ultimately leave the person feeling regretful and sad they didn't give love and attention to a person, or people they care about.  Don't let the headmind sabotage your ability to give love, kindness and support when it matters.  Be at peace with being your complete and authentic self.
"No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each part is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main." - John Donne
"It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness." - Charles H. Spurgeon

First impressions

At 5 years old, back in 1973 I found myself in the sick children's ward of Dundee Royal Infirmary.  This was long before someone realised that kids could really do with having their parents with them in hospital, so it was a pretty scary place to be.  I had osteomyelitis in my knee so I was on bed rest, and getting pumped full of anti-biotics which left me feeling quite sick.  As I lay in my bed I could see kids going into the play room pulling toys out, squabbling over who had rights over which toy.  I was quite shy back then and as a result I didn't feel I was missing out on getting into the playroom - I reckon that even if I'd had permission to move around I'd have stayed in bed away from the others.
There was one nurse with jet black hair, a lady who would come over to my bed carrying a range of cuddly toys, Lego figures and dolls.  I'd see her coming and I'd pull the sheet over my head and try to turn myself onto my tummy, but with my knee being so painful that wasn't easy.  As I lay there awkwardly she'd sneak one of the toys under the sheet and start speaking saying, "Hello!  My name's Dolly and I just wanted to play with you.."  Initially I would turn my face away, but I also remember holding the sheet tightly over my head, hoping the nurse wouldn't notice that I was in fact turning round to see the doll's face.  The kind nurse was persistent, and over a 6 week period, whenever she was on duty at some point of her shift she would go through the same procedure with the toys.  Then the breakthrough day came - I'm not sure how it happened but I saw her coming and decided to just stay propped up in bed and not dive under the sheet.  Children are very observant and at 5 years old I was no exception.  I remember strange details about that kind bringer of toys.  She had quite dry skin on her hands, her whole face smiled and beamed at me constantly, and when she turned her head her hair moved like a ballerina's skirt.  I remember getting a feeling in my tummy that said, "I like you."
To this day I think about Nurse Thankappan (yes, I even remember her name!) and wonder why she never gave up on me.
That experience also taught me to be persistent and not always believe the behaviour someone displays on the first meeting as being the truth about them.   When someone is scared, in pain, unsure, alone or frightened they often don't trust that it's okay to give someone else the chance to help or support them.  They can seem grumpy, demanding or challenging - but fear can present itself in many guises.  Take time to really get to know the person.  You never know, you might get the reward of a breakthrough day just as Nurse Thankappan did back in 1973.
"Don't be over self-confident with your first impression of people." - Chinese proverb.
"A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence." - Jim Watkins.

Getting used to the inevitable

Yesterday after work I went to collect my son Charlie from my Dad's. They were watching old video's from the early 1990's.  In one clip showing my middle child Tina's Christening 4 of the 8 people in the video have since died.  It was quite hard to watch actually.  My Mum was there being loud and silly, just as if she was here right now - my Grandma was there loving her great grand children, an Uncle cracking jokes with Dad, the minister who was a friend of the family listening and laughing at Dad's speech - all gone now.  That old expression of there only being two definite things in life - taxes and death - leapt to mind.   You'd think that because it's a certainty we'd get used to it.  We'd toughen up about losing loved ones, but we don't do we? What's that all about?  I think it might simply be because we don't know if our paths will ever cross again - even those with faith must have moments of wondering if they are going to be with the ones they've laughed, cried and made memories with ever again.  Never, ever again is a tough thought.
I looked quite grumpy at times in the video. In another clip Mum and I were watching my girls throwing snowballs at Grandad in the garden, it was funny seeing my then 54 year old Dad running away from his 3 and 4 year old grand daughters.  How much I wished I could be catapulted back to that moment and stop myself being a moody madam, weighed down by working and looking after 2 little people looked like it was taking it's toll - but that moment has passed and what loss has taught me is that I owe it to myself and those I love to be aware of the preciousness of the time we have with each other.  Life is so incredibly transient, pay attention to those that matter, and enjoy every opportunity to make memories that will stay with you long after those you love have left this life.
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love." - Marcus Aurelius

The worrier

I wonder if it is possible to remove the "worrying" trait.  Is it inherent in all of us?  It's certainly something I battle with on a near daily basis.  I do know people who are incredibly good at keeping their concerns and worries within reasonable limits, not allowing their heads to catastrophise - and I do sort of envy them that ability.
I don't believe we're born worriers, just as I don't believe anyone is born evil.  Early experiences leave their mark.  A faint bruise, a blemish on the surface of the skin begins to fade, then something else happens and the bruise goes deeper, stays longer marking our skin a deep purple.  As bad or sad things happen to us it's as if there is a permanent "mark" left - immovable, stuck fast.  This mark becomes our basis for a belief that leaves us "knowing" worrying about tomorrow is the only way!
The fact is, bad things do happen. What we can do though is reality check the facts related to a situation that may be unfolding before us.  Keeping our feet on the ground we can focus on what is happening NOW!  Not what might happen tomorrow...I for one need to remind myself of this over and over again as my head has a tendency to think the worst.  So, I say STOP!  Shift my awareness to my feet on the ground and stay rooted in this moment - after all NOW is the only thing that is real , the rest is being made up in my head!
"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen.  Keep in the sunlight." - Benjamin Franklin.
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." - Leo Buscaglia.

When old memories & experiences drive us.

Like many others I have been in the position of not having enough money to heat my house.  Back in those days I regularly ran out of tokens for the electricity meter and I would pretend to my then young daughters that we were cooking on the fire as a game of, "lets be like the Victorians."
Those days are gone now, but I still remember how useless I felt as a parent, I was ashamed that I couldn't provide fully for them, and I hated us being cold.  We'd all snuggle up, or I'd pile spare duvet's on their beds desperate to keep them cosy and well fed so they never felt deprived.  I loved them so much, and I desperately wanted them to have full tummies and clothes that kept them warm.  I never take it for granted that those days are far behind me now, and yet somehow part of me feels guilty today that I've moved away from that place, and others are still there right now.
Cold. Isolated. Freezing.
Such a basic need and yet a far off dream for so many, how desperately sad that anyone should still be freezing at night with no warmth or safe place to soothe them into a restful sleep.
Last year I cycled over 360 miles to raise money for the housing charity SHELTER, and today I've taken the first steps to organising another fundraiser for SHELTER in the spring of 2013.
If the living conditions of just one adult or child is improved by the money raised  I will smile, rest for a bit, and start making plans for a SHELTER fund raiser in 2014.
"I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives.  But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are.  Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake." - Luis Miquel

Control less, enjoy more!

There's one common theme that, when consistently applied will guarantee ill health.  That theme is the need to control.  The focus or perhaps a better word to use would be "subjects" being controlled may be our children, partners, colleagues and the people in our community or close social circle.  People can even try to manipulate and control the way their day pans out!
On closer inspection it usually comes to light that at some point the "controller" was badly hurt when something they thought was a certainty fell through. We've all been there at one time or another, and we all have a choice to make regarding how we react to an unexpected life experience.  Becoming a controlling person is both bad for your health and for the health of your relationship with others.
So, rather than tightening your grip on others behaviour and doing your best to reign them into line, relax and try (and this will take practise) to enjoy trusting that whatever unfolds will be the right thing for them and you.  You might even learn something refreshingly new about yourself....perhaps you'll find yourself enjoying being less involved in trying to control the world around you.
"Control is never achieved when sought after directly.  It is the surprising outcome of letting go." - James Arthur Ray
"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." - Brian Tracy

Academia, love, friendship and being.

There is no doubt that the world would be a far less advanced place without the achievements brought about by the brilliant minds of academics and scholars.  Culturally however we put far too much emphasis on their importance, and as a result I'm often faced with the fear and emptiness felt by someone who has been held in high regard by the community, the world even, because of their academic achievements. Suddenly they describe a hollow empty feeling created by the belief that they are their minds. This realisation can leave them scared of what their life will be when they're not as mentally sharp as they are today.  As a society we should be celebrating their great accomplishments, but why not also be grateful for their just being here?  What about the love they show their children, their friends, their family?  Isn't that equally, even more important?  They often believe so too, though sometimes they shed tears over missed opportunities with family, some who may now have passed away, the moment for sharing quality time together gone when they were busy being academic.  Balance is always the key, and it's also a very tricky thing to manage - though not impossible.
When we hear people say that academics take themselves too seriously, maybe we are partly to blame for that, maybe we have put them in that position, maybe we've helped them believe their minds are so brilliant we couldn't survive without them.  So, whatever your point of reference as you read this, give yourself time to remember what's really important in life.  Your health, the people you love, the relationships you have with others and yourself, surely these are the priorities?  Yours and others academic achievements will leave a legacy for future generations, but being here and loving those with you now has to be up there at the top of  the list of priorities, it certainly is for me.
"Some people stay in the academic world just to avoid becoming self-aware. You can quote me on that." - Michael McKean
"Try not to become a man of success.  Rather become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

The Ivy and you

I've been cutting back some ivy in the garden..."some" being quite the mammoth understatement.  It's amazing how relentless and unstoppable it is.  No matter what obstacles lie in it's path the ivy doesn't give up. Instead it twists and turns, climbs and buries in every direction possible, determined to continue unhindered.  It's "programmed" to travel and grow this way.  One of the things we do which hinders us, is we often stop just when we're getting into our stride.  We analyse, we ponder we consider the other people involved.  Meanwhile opportunities are missed, the ivy has grown over the spot you were planning to cultivate, you miss your chance often from simply over thinking!
If you're doing well and enjoying the journey don't let others distract you from your path.  Stay grounded and focused and keep going, the ivy doesn't see a boulder or a fence and re-consider it's route!  Just pay attention to what feels right and go wherever your heart takes you.
"You simply have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going, put blinders on and plow right ahead." - George Lucas.
"Don't watch the clock do what it does, keep going." - Sam Leverson

Change and the art of celebration.

Ever noticed that just when you think you have a handle on a person or situation something happens which places doubt slap bang in the front of your mind?
Maybe forming fixed ideas and opinions inhibits our growth.  Maybe we need to pay more attention to the subtle changes within ourselves - which will have an affect on our perception of how we view people or situations from our past for example.
Nothing is cemented in place forever more.  Neither materials or emotions stay unchanged for an eternity.
There's no shame in changing your mind, or changing direction - in fact it's healthy, a sign that you're maturing and not staying stuck in old patterns and beliefs.
The next time something in your life unexpectedly changes, try reacting differently. Rather than becoming disheartened and thrown into turmoil, how about celebrating your capacity to evolve and morph into a wonderful adaptable, unpredictable being?!  You might surprise yourself and enjoy this new way of interacting with change!
"He would rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery." - Harold Wilson
"Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights." - Pauline R. Kezer

You are so much more than your label!

Recently I was given the label of having TMJ disorder by a very smiley but not very funny consultant. It's not the worst nor the best news I've ever had.  I could "Google it" and totally freak myself out, or I could recognise what I need to do to prevent flare ups.  So I travel with my special pillow, nothing really special about it other than it's squishy and I like it as it's soft and comforting on my sore face.  I can wear a hat when I'm out in the cold wind as the chill makes the nerve pain pretty intense.  There's plenty things I should avoid like chewing gum and clenching my teeth, and then there's the suggestion that I eat liquidised foods when I have a bad flare up.  All pretty manageable.
My car has a few scratches on it, just as I have a few scars on my body and face.
If my body came with a full service history it might not appear to be very valuable - but it certainly is to the owner - me!  The medical labels we/'re given, and the scars we carry both physically and mentally are not the full story, nor do they identify everything about you.
Be careful not to allow your head to think you ARE the medical condition. Getting a diagnosis can engulf all your thoughts and affect everything you do.  Of course it is a part of you, but it doesn't come close to revealing all the fabulous intricacies that make you so beautifully unique.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran