What is perfection?

My clients often speak of their deep sense of failure based on the belief that they're just not good enough. The overlap can extend far and wide, a dark heavy blanket covering their home and work environment. Their role as a parent, sibling, manager, friend, wife or husband comes under scrutiny by their over critical headmind.
"I'm so bad at keeping in touch - I'm such a bad friend!"
"I feel overwhelmed at work, out my depth, I'm not even sure how I got this job."
"I missed the signs when my daughter was struggling."
"Why did my wife not tell me she was so unhappy?  I'm hopeless!"
How on earth can we expect to master all the roles handed to us, perfecting every aspect of being human when no-one...NO-ONE is perfect?!
I shouted at my son the other day after he slammed the door in an angry outburst.  My reaction, shouting at him, was not necessarily the best, or perfect way to deal with that situation, but it's what I did.
If you find yourself demanding perfection from another person ask yourself this, "How can I demand perfection from others when I too am imperfect?!"
Try thinking STOP when the headmind starts up with its sabotaging thoughts and just be kinder to yourself. Swamp your negative, repetitive thoughts with the words your best friend would say to you if she or he heard you putting yourself down this way.  Visualise loving arms holding you and telling you not to be so hard on yourself.  You are here.  You are human.  You do what you can with the knowledge you have.  There's no-one out there getting it right all of the time.  We learn as we go.  You and I are no different.  We excel at times, and we make mistakes.  That's LIFE!
STOP thinking you're flawed and start being more forgiving.  By being more gentle and kinder to yourself you will find it easier to be that way with others.  As we heal we're then more able to heal others, relieving them of the burdens and beliefs they carry on their shoulders.  Life is such a short journey, shouldn't we try to love and laugh more while criticising and condemning less?
"Once you accept you are not perfect; then you develop some confidence." - Rosalynn Carter
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

The bigness of there, and the smallness of me.

Being swept along in the hustle and bustle of London, or in fact in any big city can leave me feeling incredibly fragile. I ran a clinic in Harley Street for a few years, then subsequently in Wigmore Street, W1.
Central London was always a bit of a mystery to me. No-one smiled, or said, "Hello!" No-one! On my journey from the airport to the office via the underground and by foot I felt over stimulated by all the noise, the people - everything.
I always tried to arrive at my office a good bit before my first client so I could sit peacefully and free my head from the "buzziness" left by the journey.
My clients were lovely - they seemed completely unfazed by the race course they'd left outside, and as they entered my peaceful office they seemed perfectly calm.  On their arrival I always wanted to ask, "How is it out there now?!  It was crazy when I came in this morning, seriously!  I think I saw more people on my way to the office today than I've seen in my entire LIFE!"  But I quickly realised that could be misinterpreted as me being a tad unhinged, and though they knew I was a country bumpkin from Scotland, there was no point in labouring the fact that I found London, too big, too busy and too intimidating. Moving through it left me feeling dissociated and spaced out... that was, until I really got the hang of mindfulness.
It was while on the Victoria Line to Oxford Circus one morning at 8am that I really honed the ability to stay grounded and mindful.
As is probably the norm at that time of day the underground, and each train coming into the station, was jam packed full.  So, as I waited on the platform being pushed and jostled by everyone vying for the best position, the train stopped, the doors opened and in I went.  As I stood there making myself as slim-lined as possible, I tilted my head down, then to the side and counted the feet and bodies making contact with me. My arm clung tightly to the strap hanging from the pole above my head..1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...7!  SEVEN! Seven strangers all making contact with me.  That was weird!  It was really hot in the carriage standing there, crammed in...and then I got a feeling I hadn't experienced in many years.  That weird prickly heat rising up from my core, sweaty hands, tight chest, shallow breathing - not a panic attack?!  Not now after so many years?!  So then I remembered all that I've learnt and all that I teach clients.
THINK STOP!
I shifted my awareness to my feet on the ground and engaged all my senses in that moment.  The driver had made an announcement that we'd had to stop (in the tunnel) for a few minutes as the train in front needed to move on first before he could progress.  I felt my hand gripping the strap, I heightened my awareness of how my hand felt, I paid more attention to the sensations and tension in my hand and shoulder.  Then I thought about my feet on the ground, someone's foot was on top of one of mine so I gently moved my foot and freed it from the shiny black shoe that had been bearing down on my toes. Then my focus moved to my breathing. I reminded myself of a teaching from the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh's,  and I started repeating silently in my head the words I'd read from his book years before,
"Breathing in - I am peace, breathing out - I am calm."
As our thoughts become physical manifestations I could feel myself settling into a very peaceful place as I repeated this phrase over and over.  I was cooling down, and re-connecting solidly to the reality of the situation.  Looking around me I could see that nobody was enjoying being stuck on the train.  We were all en route to our destination and all we wanted was to get off the train as soon as possible so we could get on with our day.
There was something unifying in that realisation.  I wasn't really alone in the big city.  I was surrounded by other people, some were comfortable on their commute, some weren't.  I could allow my discomfort to overwhelm me, or I could use tools and techniques to allow me to reign in the catastrophising headmind and let my fear diminish and melt away.

“Overcoming panic attacks has left me humbled. It’s taught me how to be brave. It’s left me compassionate to the fears and sufferings of other people. It’s given me the wisdom that my thoughts and feelings are simply subjective responses, and don’t need to be taken as true reflections of reality." - Julie Farrell

The ultimate winners

After a terrible revelation that came to light a few years ago, I made it my mission to remedy a horrendous wrong. Sleepless nights, some anxiety and a deep sense of being completely alone with my grief and anger ensued.

Friends said the right stuff, family did their best, and my husband Andrew kept me as grounded as he could.

Sadly, bit by bit it became apparent that, despite letters and phone calls to all the relevant agencies involved in the case the ultimate, "corroborative evidence" was missing, therefore - at that point - the case could not be brought to fruition.

Five years have passed, and though justice has not (yet) been done, I feel that my daughters and I are winners in the true sense of the word. 

All three of us are healthy, happy and in loving relationships with a tremendous circle of friends that have been there for us throughout.

So, when I wrote recently on Facebook that, "winning is not always about defeating another person" it was this life changing event that I was referring to.

We may be deeply scarred by what has happened, BUT it has also done the opposite of what the perpetrator may have wanted, by making us stronger, even more appreciative of each other and bonded our love in a way that he, and people like him, will never experience in their lives.

"My love for you is not like rain, which comes and goes away. But it's like sky, moves with you all around." - Raghav Singh

You can be your own guru

Last night I watched a documentary film made by  Deepak Chopra's son called, "Decoding Deepak". The description read,

"In this documentary, filmmaker and journalist Gotham Chopra embarks on a year-long road trip with his father, Deepak Chopra, to reconcile the spiritual icon with the real man known to his family."  

I have always had an awareness that our perception of people is directly affected by our starting point. Deepak's son, a successful journalist in his own right, wanted his Dad to spend more time at home as he and his sister were growing up - but Deepak was driven to spread his spiritual knowledge to as many people as he could through book writing, seminars and TV talk shows.  The flip side was that people who were searching for a Guru found Deepak. He was telling them exactly what they needed and wanted to hear.  His family often travelled with him, leading a chaotic life, feeling confused as they witnessed strangers idolise the man who was their father.
At several points in the documentary I could feel the strain between father and son - but equally there was a mutual love and respect there too.  Gotham remarked to his father that a lot of what he does must be great for his ego - to which Deepak responded by saying it had nothing to do with his ego.

I don't think there's anything wrong with "feeling good" about doing something well and having a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction about our personal achievements.  I also believe there's a fine line between that and becoming arrogant and self righteous about it.  Ego is involved, and there should be less shame and embarrassment about admitting that. I think and feel that some of the new age and religious movements have managed to demonise the ego, and yet it is simply another part of being human.

We certainly should practise keeping any self righteousness in check, and keep an eye on allowing the false belief to creep in that we're in some way special or better than others.  I'm no Deepak Chopra, but what I do know is that when a client of mine gets well I feel great about it!  Without doubt it is the most lovely and heart warming feeling when the mother of a client says, "You've given me back my daughter!"  or a client on returning to health asks , "What would my life have been like if I'd never made that first appointment with you?!"  I thank them for their kind words, and enjoy the sense of joy at seeing them well, but I only facilitated their journey to health.  They did the work - and their healing was always something within their grasp.

If you feel as if you're "searching" for guidance or support by all means get reading and researching, but remember that within you is the capability to take what you need from the authors and apply it to your own life.  Guru's are just like you and me - they may be expert in their field but they also have the same vulnerabilities and human frailties as the rest of us!

“No one and nothing outside of you can give you salvation, or free you from the misery. You have to light your own lamp. You have to know the miniature universe that you yourself are.” ― Banani Ray from Awakening Inner Guru

If you're bored - do something else!

When I'm reading a book I love that excited feeling as I wonder what's going to happen next.  The anticipation, the guessing, wondering which way it will go, curious to uncover what unexpected twist the author will use to keep the reader gripped..
If you feel stuck in a repeating, unfulfilling pattern, like reading the same chapter of a book over and over again, then start taking steps towards making a more fulfilling life for yourself.
If I did re-reading the same chapter then I'd become incredibly familiar with the text, so much so that in time I'd be able to recite passages from it.  The result would be boredom which in turn would quickly diminish my interest in discovering what happened next and have me tossing it aside in favour of something new, fresh and more stimulating.
I have heard numerous times, "I can't change now - I've been doing it this way for years!"  Or another favourite is, "Oh it's not THAT bad..there's a lot worse off than I am!"
Oh my! Those are just two phrases clients use that have my heart sinking whenever I hear them.  Just because we can repeat a task without engaging that healthy relationship between our body and mind, doing it mindlessly, not mindfully doesn't make it okay.
We've all had those moments of joy when we've accomplished something.  It doesn't matter whether it was, working out how to use your new iPad, knitting your first square, climbing your first Munro, running your first 5K, overcoming nerves to give a speech.  At some point you did something that gave you a sense of achievement when you'd completed it.
It doesn't have to be a life changing, earth shattering occupation - or one laden with physical or academic pressure.  Doing anything well, doing it whole-heartedly and having it leave you with a sense of accomplishment is surely what we should all be striving for?  If you haven't found that yet, but need to make ends meet in the meantime doing something less than ideal, keep focused on where you'd like to go next and don't take your eye off that goal. Make a plan of action - spend time at the beginning and end of each day to take steps towards reaching that place. Stay grounded and stay focused and each day enjoy feeling that sense of accomplishment as you look back on your day knowing you've done all you could do that day to take even a small step closer to your desired future.
"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C.S Lewis

Potential

Recently my husband planted some bulbs in our garden.  They were pretty scabby, unremarkable looking objects.
The photo on the packet however told a different story.
Circular headed purple flowers, perfectly formed, beautiful Alliums destined to bring colour and joy to our garden next year, providing they fulfil their potential.
Everything in nature has potential to be amazing.
Everything.
Sometimes individuals believe they can't reach their potential - lacking faith in themselves they make do with the hand they've been dealt.
The belief that we have to "make do" and give up trying to follow our dreams because life just isn't like that does not belong to you! That negativity has been "gifted" to you by the significant adults you listened to when you were growing up.  It belongs to them - and it's not what your core essence, that all loving, all knowing part of yourself believes - so please, no matter how old you are, start ignoring that repetitive thought!
Phrases I hear all too often in my work as a therapist start with,
"I'd love to but...."
"I've dreamt of doing that, but what would folk think of me giving up this career to do that?!"
"I can't - my Mum wouldn't like it - she's proud of me doing this job."
"Yes but, if I did that it might not work."
Do you think the Alliums have those thoughts?!  No!
All they ask for is a bit of nourishment, warmth and sunlight - and I can rest safe in the knowledge that they will reach their potential and be a magnificent spectacle in my garden.
If the weather is harsh on them I'll give them protection.  If the soil is lacking in nourishment I will provide nutrients by adding a fertilizer to help support their growth and encourage them to flourish into all they can be.
How wonderful a world this would be if we could simply provide the people we love with all the warmth, comfort and nourishment they need to enable them to be all they dream of becoming.
Supply a solid foundation, then step back.
You can hold them close to your heart and enjoy watching them flourish into exactly what they should be, can be and will be.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain, and feel the wind.  Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams." - Ashley Smith
"With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world." - Dalai Lama

What writing does for me.

I've been doing a lot more writing of late - not so much on my blog - but writing for my newsletter and another project I'm involved with right now.  I have found a pattern to the way I feel before I write, during the process and after I've put my idea down on the page.
Firstly, on my days off from working with clients, ideas about my next piece of writing start to bubble to the surface, filtering through to the forefront of my mind.  This often happens when I'm out walking, running, cycling or just drinking tea in the garden. The outdoors certainly seems to be a catalyst for my creativity.
As the ideas present themselves I try not to grab at them or make sense of the images or words popping up. I stay with it and let it happen, though I can feel slightly nervous as a sense of needing to take more control over how I want the idea to evolve takes hold.  But if I am patient, and if I can leave it alone I know it will make for a much better piece in the end.  I often wonder too where that first seedling of an idea has come from.
Then a bit of fear creeps in as I become a little bit scared at the idea I won't have time to put down what I want to say or I won't word it well enough to be understood.  So, as if to prove to my headmind that it's just made a very pertinent point I avoid sitting down with my pen and notebook for a few days.  But then the idea quietly, and steadily takes on it's own form in my mind.
I know if I don't sit down soon I will start to feel agitated.  I have a hunger, a real feeling in the pit of my stomach that is screaming at me to sit down and write - if I don't there is a very real belief I might die.
I get a cup of tea - not too strong.
The cats are in, their bowls filled with food and water, my son is at school, my man is away golfing, the door is locked and I have a feeling of peacefulness matched by an equal dose of anticipatory excitement.
I sit for a moment in trepidation.
I put on some classical music, piano, orchestra, opera - depending on my mood -  then I listen to it for a few minutes, pick up my pen, open my notebook and start writing.
The moment is here!  The opening of my notebook signifies the green light for my thoughts, feelings and emotions to make contact with the paper. They are now formally introducing themselves to each other - like a family reuniting for the first time in years. They knew of each other, and always knew one day they'd get together, and now finally they get to share in this harmonious union.
As I start to write I feel an intense happiness.  My emotions are acutely linked to the words being drawn out on the sheets of paper.  The pen seems to write without me being very involved in the process.  That feeling of unity between the paper, the pen, my thoughts, my emotions, the music brings with it an indescribable sense of peace.
Once the writing is complete I feel a huge sense of relief, but also a gratifying emptiness that I know means I have created space for the next idea to present itself.
I've never written about what goes on for me during the process of writing. I wanted to share this with you, but also with myself.  Not sure how self indulgent that sounds!
My hope is that during those moments when I feel stuck, I can re-read this and remember how intensely enjoyable and healing writing can be for me, and hopefully for the reader too!
"I can't write to please everyone, but someone, somewhere will be touched if I put my heart into it." - Sara Winters
"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." - William Wordsworth

How to get off that roller coaster of approval

Think of a roller coaster..only this one is different.. once you've boarded it there's no getting off.. it just keeps going and going ...no stopping.

That relentless, tumultuous clattering going round and round, up and down, our hearts in our mouths one minute, then that sinking heaviness as we suddenly dip uncontrollably downwards. 

Sickening.

This nightmare reminds me of the futile cycle of seeking the approval of others.  This is especially true when the approval is sought from family members and loved ones.

Like children we present our best picture from school with baited breath and a fluttering anticipatory excitement in our tummy.  We wait to hear the response while searching for the glee and pride to spread across the face of our loving parent -  but nothing.  

Down we dip...lower and lower.

This sequence of events can be carried from our childhoods up into our adult relationships; so unless we learn how to stop the out of control roller coaster we are destined for a life filled with perpetual attempts to do the "right" thing, in the hope that we finally gain that elusive seal of approval from our loved one(s).  

Right now is the time to take back control of the choices you are making. Start doing what you want for your own fulfilment, and sense of well-being.  

No hidden agenda.  

No niggling thoughts of how this will be perceived by those you have being trying to please or gain approval from.  

Live your life from your unique view.  Take steps every day to do things that make your heart sing and leave you feeling uplifted.  Live the life you are here to live. 

Making choices based on the invisible belief we might get a pat on the back from someone is a waste of two priceless attributes - energy and time.  We want to preserve both of those things, and I'd rather use my energy and time doing things that engage, challenge, stimulate and uplift.  

We can only be accountable to ourselves for ourselves.  By genuinely being ourselves there is a certain inevitability that we will please others - it just might not be your parents or loved ones.  

However, if your improved health and the ability to step off the relentless roller coaster is the result then I encourage you to start making your plans now! 

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep." - Vernon Howard

"Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people.  Don't base your self esteem on their opinions." - Harvey Mackay

For the love of man, love yourself

Everywhere I turn I can see (and hear) dreadful acts of man's inhumanity to man.  It deeply saddens and distresses me - as it does the majority.
We must be careful not to be drawn in and pulled down by all the atrocities the media insists on broadcasting.
Impaled visual spears, forever piercing our minds.
It's important horrific stories aren't buried, and we should of course be informed, but do yourself a favour and avoid watching the news on a constant loop because there is a real risk that you will be left flattened and breathless by the horrors bouncing from camera to satellite to retina.
Just for now narrow the depth and width of your sight - wear blinkers - focus on loving yourself and those you're with right now.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to those close to you.
If we just did this one thing, who knows, those actions might have the best possible knock on effect.
A more peaceful, loving relationship with each other.
I'm an optimistic realist - I hope more positive change will happen - but I know change can be a challenge.
Right now, be only interested in your own circle.  Love and peace are not impossible.  Start locally, and hopefully the stretch will get wider and wider as more of us practise loving kindness.
"When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also develop inner happiness and peace." - The 14th Dalai Lama (1935)

"May we not succumb to thoughts of violence and revenge today, but rather to thoughts of mercy and compassion.  We are to love our enemies that they might be returned to their right minds." - Marianne Williamson

Do yourself a favour and own up!

Angry people intrigue me - we all have our moments of course - but I'm talking about people who find the most obscure reasons to be outraged.

One egg cracked in a box of 12 shouldn't induce a furious outburst - should it?

A friend cancelling a night out because her mother has fallen ill - surely that's just an unfortunate turn of events.
A tradesman not answering his phone isn't really a hangable offence.

Have you ever caught yourself being outraged by the most benign of life's toils?  If you have, the chances are there's something hidden quietly inside you that needs to be spoken about and dealt with.  Ignoring it and hoping it will go away will just make that monster grow, leaving you lashing out at all the wrong people and in all the wrong places.
Dealing with and expressing life's small irritations is crucial, but it must be in proportion to the event.  By doing so it helps empty the body's emotional "pot" and keep you ship shape!
If however you find yourself flying off the handle at what others would recognise as the small stuff, ask yourself, "What is it that's really annoying me?"  "What have I been hiding from others and myself that's causing me to react this way?"
Invariably there will be something in there.
Be honest to yourself, and if it's safe to do so, be honest with others too.
"In controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have ceased striving for truth and begun striving for ourselves." - Abraham J. Heschel