If you're bored - do something else!

When I'm reading a book I love that excited feeling as I wonder what's going to happen next.  The anticipation, the guessing, wondering which way it will go, curious to uncover what unexpected twist the author will use to keep the reader gripped..
If you feel stuck in a repeating, unfulfilling pattern, like reading the same chapter of a book over and over again, then start taking steps towards making a more fulfilling life for yourself.
If I did re-reading the same chapter then I'd become incredibly familiar with the text, so much so that in time I'd be able to recite passages from it.  The result would be boredom which in turn would quickly diminish my interest in discovering what happened next and have me tossing it aside in favour of something new, fresh and more stimulating.
I have heard numerous times, "I can't change now - I've been doing it this way for years!"  Or another favourite is, "Oh it's not THAT bad..there's a lot worse off than I am!"
Oh my! Those are just two phrases clients use that have my heart sinking whenever I hear them.  Just because we can repeat a task without engaging that healthy relationship between our body and mind, doing it mindlessly, not mindfully doesn't make it okay.
We've all had those moments of joy when we've accomplished something.  It doesn't matter whether it was, working out how to use your new iPad, knitting your first square, climbing your first Munro, running your first 5K, overcoming nerves to give a speech.  At some point you did something that gave you a sense of achievement when you'd completed it.
It doesn't have to be a life changing, earth shattering occupation - or one laden with physical or academic pressure.  Doing anything well, doing it whole-heartedly and having it leave you with a sense of accomplishment is surely what we should all be striving for?  If you haven't found that yet, but need to make ends meet in the meantime doing something less than ideal, keep focused on where you'd like to go next and don't take your eye off that goal. Make a plan of action - spend time at the beginning and end of each day to take steps towards reaching that place. Stay grounded and stay focused and each day enjoy feeling that sense of accomplishment as you look back on your day knowing you've done all you could do that day to take even a small step closer to your desired future.
"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C.S Lewis

Potential

Recently my husband planted some bulbs in our garden.  They were pretty scabby, unremarkable looking objects.
The photo on the packet however told a different story.
Circular headed purple flowers, perfectly formed, beautiful Alliums destined to bring colour and joy to our garden next year, providing they fulfil their potential.
Everything in nature has potential to be amazing.
Everything.
Sometimes individuals believe they can't reach their potential - lacking faith in themselves they make do with the hand they've been dealt.
The belief that we have to "make do" and give up trying to follow our dreams because life just isn't like that does not belong to you! That negativity has been "gifted" to you by the significant adults you listened to when you were growing up.  It belongs to them - and it's not what your core essence, that all loving, all knowing part of yourself believes - so please, no matter how old you are, start ignoring that repetitive thought!
Phrases I hear all too often in my work as a therapist start with,
"I'd love to but...."
"I've dreamt of doing that, but what would folk think of me giving up this career to do that?!"
"I can't - my Mum wouldn't like it - she's proud of me doing this job."
"Yes but, if I did that it might not work."
Do you think the Alliums have those thoughts?!  No!
All they ask for is a bit of nourishment, warmth and sunlight - and I can rest safe in the knowledge that they will reach their potential and be a magnificent spectacle in my garden.
If the weather is harsh on them I'll give them protection.  If the soil is lacking in nourishment I will provide nutrients by adding a fertilizer to help support their growth and encourage them to flourish into all they can be.
How wonderful a world this would be if we could simply provide the people we love with all the warmth, comfort and nourishment they need to enable them to be all they dream of becoming.
Supply a solid foundation, then step back.
You can hold them close to your heart and enjoy watching them flourish into exactly what they should be, can be and will be.
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain, and feel the wind.  Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams." - Ashley Smith
"With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world." - Dalai Lama

What writing does for me.

I've been doing a lot more writing of late - not so much on my blog - but writing for my newsletter and another project I'm involved with right now.  I have found a pattern to the way I feel before I write, during the process and after I've put my idea down on the page.
Firstly, on my days off from working with clients, ideas about my next piece of writing start to bubble to the surface, filtering through to the forefront of my mind.  This often happens when I'm out walking, running, cycling or just drinking tea in the garden. The outdoors certainly seems to be a catalyst for my creativity.
As the ideas present themselves I try not to grab at them or make sense of the images or words popping up. I stay with it and let it happen, though I can feel slightly nervous as a sense of needing to take more control over how I want the idea to evolve takes hold.  But if I am patient, and if I can leave it alone I know it will make for a much better piece in the end.  I often wonder too where that first seedling of an idea has come from.
Then a bit of fear creeps in as I become a little bit scared at the idea I won't have time to put down what I want to say or I won't word it well enough to be understood.  So, as if to prove to my headmind that it's just made a very pertinent point I avoid sitting down with my pen and notebook for a few days.  But then the idea quietly, and steadily takes on it's own form in my mind.
I know if I don't sit down soon I will start to feel agitated.  I have a hunger, a real feeling in the pit of my stomach that is screaming at me to sit down and write - if I don't there is a very real belief I might die.
I get a cup of tea - not too strong.
The cats are in, their bowls filled with food and water, my son is at school, my man is away golfing, the door is locked and I have a feeling of peacefulness matched by an equal dose of anticipatory excitement.
I sit for a moment in trepidation.
I put on some classical music, piano, orchestra, opera - depending on my mood -  then I listen to it for a few minutes, pick up my pen, open my notebook and start writing.
The moment is here!  The opening of my notebook signifies the green light for my thoughts, feelings and emotions to make contact with the paper. They are now formally introducing themselves to each other - like a family reuniting for the first time in years. They knew of each other, and always knew one day they'd get together, and now finally they get to share in this harmonious union.
As I start to write I feel an intense happiness.  My emotions are acutely linked to the words being drawn out on the sheets of paper.  The pen seems to write without me being very involved in the process.  That feeling of unity between the paper, the pen, my thoughts, my emotions, the music brings with it an indescribable sense of peace.
Once the writing is complete I feel a huge sense of relief, but also a gratifying emptiness that I know means I have created space for the next idea to present itself.
I've never written about what goes on for me during the process of writing. I wanted to share this with you, but also with myself.  Not sure how self indulgent that sounds!
My hope is that during those moments when I feel stuck, I can re-read this and remember how intensely enjoyable and healing writing can be for me, and hopefully for the reader too!
"I can't write to please everyone, but someone, somewhere will be touched if I put my heart into it." - Sara Winters
"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." - William Wordsworth

How to get off that roller coaster of approval

Think of a roller coaster..only this one is different.. once you've boarded it there's no getting off.. it just keeps going and going ...no stopping.

That relentless, tumultuous clattering going round and round, up and down, our hearts in our mouths one minute, then that sinking heaviness as we suddenly dip uncontrollably downwards. 

Sickening.

This nightmare reminds me of the futile cycle of seeking the approval of others.  This is especially true when the approval is sought from family members and loved ones.

Like children we present our best picture from school with baited breath and a fluttering anticipatory excitement in our tummy.  We wait to hear the response while searching for the glee and pride to spread across the face of our loving parent -  but nothing.  

Down we dip...lower and lower.

This sequence of events can be carried from our childhoods up into our adult relationships; so unless we learn how to stop the out of control roller coaster we are destined for a life filled with perpetual attempts to do the "right" thing, in the hope that we finally gain that elusive seal of approval from our loved one(s).  

Right now is the time to take back control of the choices you are making. Start doing what you want for your own fulfilment, and sense of well-being.  

No hidden agenda.  

No niggling thoughts of how this will be perceived by those you have being trying to please or gain approval from.  

Live your life from your unique view.  Take steps every day to do things that make your heart sing and leave you feeling uplifted.  Live the life you are here to live. 

Making choices based on the invisible belief we might get a pat on the back from someone is a waste of two priceless attributes - energy and time.  We want to preserve both of those things, and I'd rather use my energy and time doing things that engage, challenge, stimulate and uplift.  

We can only be accountable to ourselves for ourselves.  By genuinely being ourselves there is a certain inevitability that we will please others - it just might not be your parents or loved ones.  

However, if your improved health and the ability to step off the relentless roller coaster is the result then I encourage you to start making your plans now! 

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep." - Vernon Howard

"Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people.  Don't base your self esteem on their opinions." - Harvey Mackay

For the love of man, love yourself

Everywhere I turn I can see (and hear) dreadful acts of man's inhumanity to man.  It deeply saddens and distresses me - as it does the majority.
We must be careful not to be drawn in and pulled down by all the atrocities the media insists on broadcasting.
Impaled visual spears, forever piercing our minds.
It's important horrific stories aren't buried, and we should of course be informed, but do yourself a favour and avoid watching the news on a constant loop because there is a real risk that you will be left flattened and breathless by the horrors bouncing from camera to satellite to retina.
Just for now narrow the depth and width of your sight - wear blinkers - focus on loving yourself and those you're with right now.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to those close to you.
If we just did this one thing, who knows, those actions might have the best possible knock on effect.
A more peaceful, loving relationship with each other.
I'm an optimistic realist - I hope more positive change will happen - but I know change can be a challenge.
Right now, be only interested in your own circle.  Love and peace are not impossible.  Start locally, and hopefully the stretch will get wider and wider as more of us practise loving kindness.
"When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also develop inner happiness and peace." - The 14th Dalai Lama (1935)

"May we not succumb to thoughts of violence and revenge today, but rather to thoughts of mercy and compassion.  We are to love our enemies that they might be returned to their right minds." - Marianne Williamson

Do yourself a favour and own up!

Angry people intrigue me - we all have our moments of course - but I'm talking about people who find the most obscure reasons to be outraged.

One egg cracked in a box of 12 shouldn't induce a furious outburst - should it?

A friend cancelling a night out because her mother has fallen ill - surely that's just an unfortunate turn of events.
A tradesman not answering his phone isn't really a hangable offence.

Have you ever caught yourself being outraged by the most benign of life's toils?  If you have, the chances are there's something hidden quietly inside you that needs to be spoken about and dealt with.  Ignoring it and hoping it will go away will just make that monster grow, leaving you lashing out at all the wrong people and in all the wrong places.
Dealing with and expressing life's small irritations is crucial, but it must be in proportion to the event.  By doing so it helps empty the body's emotional "pot" and keep you ship shape!
If however you find yourself flying off the handle at what others would recognise as the small stuff, ask yourself, "What is it that's really annoying me?"  "What have I been hiding from others and myself that's causing me to react this way?"
Invariably there will be something in there.
Be honest to yourself, and if it's safe to do so, be honest with others too.
"In controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have ceased striving for truth and begun striving for ourselves." - Abraham J. Heschel

When silence is bad for your health

This blog is dedicated to both men and women who find themselves wondering what it is they have to do to enable them to be heard and understood by their loved one.
Being with someone who is emotionally damaged or disconnected can feel like death by a thousand cuts.
Slowly but surely the sense of being precariously balanced between the happy, contented times and the devastation of being emotionally bled dry by the hatred spewing forth quietly kills off the desire to be there.
Exhausted, confused, melancholy and bemused one has a hundred questions to ask but cannot risk letting the words form and leave the safety of one's head.  To risk speaking means the all too familiar outcome of being verbally and emotionally slapped down.  But to remain silent has it's own devastating effect.
Doubting one's own sanity, questions build up.
"Did I overact?"
"Did he really say what I think he said?"
"Was he always like this?"
"Is it me that makes him this way?"
"What did I say to provoke this response? What am I doing wrong?"
Believing you have to bottle up, or hide your feelings will only ever end badly.  Depression and anxiety, possibly with a panic attack or two thrown in for good measure, the body will scream out by engaging it's only tool of communication - symptoms.  It has no choice as it simply hates being witness to this situation!  
There's not much the victim of emotional abuse wouldn't give to replace that aspect of their loved ones personality. To be able to gift  their partner the ability to empathise and have a healthy connection to their emotions would be a relationship changing miracle!
It's not impossible to teach someone to connect to their feelings but they have to (a) recognise and believe that feelings exist, and (b) be willing to learn.  Sadly for the emotionally disconnected (a) + (b) = extreme discomfort.
So, if you're in a relationship with an emotionally disconnected person, there's one piece of advice I'd give to you.
Do not deny your own right to be emotionally honest with yourself and them.  If it hurts being put down, tell them.  If it falls on deaf ears, constructively express it again.  Don't leave it, or put it off so long that your body starts using physical symptoms to get your attention. If speaking up puts your safety in jeopardy then it's time to leave. You are here now, and you are entitled to be appreciated, loved, held and heard.
"This is slavery, not to speak one's thought." - Euripides
"I have learned now that while those who speak about ones miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more." - C.S Lewis

Finding calm in the chaos

I visited my daughter and son-in-law in Brighton last week. I had a lovely time.
Brighton is a vibrant, busy place full of arty shops and arty people. The noise, the colours, the smells, so much busyness can exhaust me in a very short period of time.  I'm like a child on their first trip to the fair ground. Over excited, over stimulated -  I soak it all up but can quickly become saturated. So, by paying close attention to what my body is telling me, I slow down, narrow my vision and stop my mind racing in circles as it tries to understand all that's going on around me.
The photo on this blog is one I took in a vintage shop during my visit to Brighton last week - you can see why the products for sale on this shelf sent my mind in a spin!
When you step into an unfamiliar setting pay attention to what your head is doing and what you're feeling as you observe all the newness around you. Enjoy the experience while also being careful not to allow it to consume you.
"Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Author unknown

All that you see is you, and all that I see is me.

This morning when I woke up, the bright sunshine was beaming in through the gap in my curtains, my head lay peacefully on my familiar pillow, but my arm was completely numb.  I pushed myself up with the other arm and looked at my feeling-less arm. The lack of feeling in that one limb had an affect on my ability to recognise it - it could have belonged to anyone. I had the thought that after 45 years it should be more than a bit familiar to me. 

I lay back down with my numb arm lying flat on top of the duvet waiting for the positional change to aid the feeling to come back - which it did.

Once, several years ago, I had a big, flat section of tree trunk positioned for me in my garden to use as a chopping block to enable me to split my own logs. 

It had been too heavy for me to move on my own.  One day, I took a phone call and was given some devastating news.  Crying, I walked outside and, without effort picked up that chopping block and threw it over the fence into the recently harrowed field that formed a boundary around my cottage. Later when I thought about what I'd done, I didn't recognise the person who had suddenly displayed immense physical strength.

Sometimes, you may catch yourself trundling through life, no fuss, no upset, no bother, no drama. You might surprise yourself when you respond (or react) to a life event in a way that leaves you reflecting and asking, "Was that me?!"  

Don't underestimate, and certainly don't block, your body's ability to express itself!  

If we practise speaking up and saying what we really feel on a daily basis, then it'll be less liable that we are ever faced with a stranger in our body venting, shouting, screaming out in a way that feels completely alien to us. Constructively expressing what you're feeling now promotes physical and mental health and helps you get your needs met.  All aspects of who are you should never come as surprise - you should be able to recognise yourself from the inside out, in the calm and in the turbulent times.

"Have the confidence to step into yourself and step out as the one and only you." - Hussein Nishah

Handle with care.

A trauma can feel like a paper thin, fragile, egg being carried in our hands.  Cupping it gently, believing that we owe it to ourselves to protect the memory of the trauma, burdened with the responsibility of remembering every detail of the event or events, the strain starts to tell, the trauma tightens its grip in our head, and we tighten and clench our grip around the memories.

Another crack appears on the egg.

Panic sets in. 

What if the egg shatters?  What if all that happened during that time is forgotten?  

The traumatic event may feel as if it forms your identity and the idea of living without it can cause anxiety to rise.

Look inside a box of eggs and you will see some are speckled, some are paler than others, there may be some dirt on the shell of one, a slightly strange shape or mark on another.  The details, or distinguishing marks on the exterior of the shells makes no difference to the contents contained within the egg.

Stop staring at the external events that have marked you, and start focusing on yourself from the inside. 

Be still.  

Meditate. 

Pray.

Ask for help and seek support if you need to - changing your focus can start right now!

"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that." - Eckhart Tolle

"The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday." - Steve Maraboli